Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

3.03.2014

Tooth Fairy Highway Robbery

Parents, it’s time we get together for a little tête-à-tête. So often people come together in the world of blogging to offer sage advice, hope, commiseration, and laughter about the foibles of parenting. I think it’s time we all arrive at a consensus on one topic: The Tooth Fairy.



Years ago, your tooth fell out, you slept Princess and the Pea style on it and woke up to a shiny piece of silver under your pillow. Maybe two if your fairy was high falutin’ (or slightly inebriated). You cheered at your good fortune and put the tooth fairy booty in your anorexic piggy bank. I even recall a few scheisters trying to fool the fairy with a corn kernel just to increase their scant bank roll.

Lately this bitch has been totally stepping on Santa’s coat tails. Kids are getting upwards of $5 a TOOTH! Not to mention additional items such as letters, pictures, and gifts. Some fairies even puke glitter all over the place when they arrive – like the Tooth Fairy is showing up all hung over after a night of ripping it up with the Fae folk. What the HELL?!? People, children are putting a body part under their pillow in exchange for toys. And we’re not talking an organ you can hock on Craig’s List to pay for said requests. Expensive gifts for dead tiny calcified chompers so useless that your body jettisons 20 of them on its own accord because it knows how totally lame they are.
   
I am required to not only REMEMBER when the tooth fairy needs to make her grand appearance – which is challenge enough for this brain cell lacking exhausted mother. The bar has been raised so high that mere change will not satisfy the current market price. I have to keep up with the parents whose daughter got a picture, an itsy bitsy handwritten fairy letter, and a TOY holding the cash!  Plus the added expectation for me to spray the herpes of the craft world all over the bedroom so it will look as if I stopped off at the Foxy Lady for legs and eggs en route to work. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

In fact, I kind of feel like that bitch should be bringing ME something. I mean, I’m the one who forced them to brush these stupid ass teeth that just fall out. Talk about a twice daily battle. I dragged them back and forth to the dentist and even paid for a few fillings for teeth for them to just fall out?!? I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.


However, since it seems like TF isn’t going away any time soon, it’s time to come to an agreement about what the tooth fairy brings. Remember, this is around 20 teeth per child – so let’s not start the negotiation with a Fabergé egg or a trinket from Tiffany. I’m throwing out $5 for the first tooth lost, $1 for every tooth after that. What do you think is a fair price for an incisor?

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