Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

3.03.2014

Tooth Fairy Highway Robbery

Parents, it’s time we get together for a little tête-à-tête. So often people come together in the world of blogging to offer sage advice, hope, commiseration, and laughter about the foibles of parenting. I think it’s time we all arrive at a consensus on one topic: The Tooth Fairy.



Years ago, your tooth fell out, you slept Princess and the Pea style on it and woke up to a shiny piece of silver under your pillow. Maybe two if your fairy was high falutin’ (or slightly inebriated). You cheered at your good fortune and put the tooth fairy booty in your anorexic piggy bank. I even recall a few scheisters trying to fool the fairy with a corn kernel just to increase their scant bank roll.

Lately this bitch has been totally stepping on Santa’s coat tails. Kids are getting upwards of $5 a TOOTH! Not to mention additional items such as letters, pictures, and gifts. Some fairies even puke glitter all over the place when they arrive – like the Tooth Fairy is showing up all hung over after a night of ripping it up with the Fae folk. What the HELL?!? People, children are putting a body part under their pillow in exchange for toys. And we’re not talking an organ you can hock on Craig’s List to pay for said requests. Expensive gifts for dead tiny calcified chompers so useless that your body jettisons 20 of them on its own accord because it knows how totally lame they are.
   
I am required to not only REMEMBER when the tooth fairy needs to make her grand appearance – which is challenge enough for this brain cell lacking exhausted mother. The bar has been raised so high that mere change will not satisfy the current market price. I have to keep up with the parents whose daughter got a picture, an itsy bitsy handwritten fairy letter, and a TOY holding the cash!  Plus the added expectation for me to spray the herpes of the craft world all over the bedroom so it will look as if I stopped off at the Foxy Lady for legs and eggs en route to work. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

In fact, I kind of feel like that bitch should be bringing ME something. I mean, I’m the one who forced them to brush these stupid ass teeth that just fall out. Talk about a twice daily battle. I dragged them back and forth to the dentist and even paid for a few fillings for teeth for them to just fall out?!? I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.


However, since it seems like TF isn’t going away any time soon, it’s time to come to an agreement about what the tooth fairy brings. Remember, this is around 20 teeth per child – so let’s not start the negotiation with a Fabergé egg or a trinket from Tiffany. I’m throwing out $5 for the first tooth lost, $1 for every tooth after that. What do you think is a fair price for an incisor?

14 comments:

  1. I give $1 per tooth. It usually takes me about 2 nights of forgetting to finally make the exchange. I just say the tooth fairy must be busy or sick. I also do the tiny handwritten note, and my boy forces me to write a note TO the tooth fairy also. At least I don't have him put the tooth under the pillow. I squashed that notion with "how's that tiny fairy going to lift up your pillow all by herself?" Plus he's a light sleeper, so I'm not going to wake him up looking for that thing after who knows where it got to with all his moving around in bed.

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  2. $1 is our going rate. The first one warranted a $2 bill. I do (if I remember) paint the dolla dolla bill with glitter nail,polish tho....it doesn't flake off and shed all over my carpet....

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  3. We do $1 per tooth, the first one warranted a $2 bill. I do (if I remember) paint the dolla dolla bill with glitter nail polish....it doesn't shed all over my carpet

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  4. Wow, the tooth fairy in our part of the world is clearly ripping people off! My son got just 50c for his first tooth. Poor moppet:) If he pulls the rest out all at once he might be able to go and see a cheap movie:)

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  5. This got me thinking. We don't do Santa, so I wasn't planning on doing the Tooth Fairy, either... But he's losing out on cash that way! I guess I'll just buy the teeth from him myself. I'm going to offer a buck each. Maybe for his first one, I'll throw in one of those singing tooth brushes, too.

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  6. Ha! So funny. I totally agree. My son (who's 3.5) came home the other day talking about how when your "toof" falls out you get "five dollahs.' Inflation's a b*tch.

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  7. We did the same thing. $5 for the first tooth - it was special, and $1 after that. Hope they don't hear what the fairy pays the kids in the "ritzy" area! :)

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  8. $1 a tooth and I encourage the doubt and questions of disbelief early. Who can afford to fund a full mouth anymore? ;)

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  9. My kindergartener (with his first loose tooth) keeps telling me that the Tooth Fairy brings $5...I don't think so buddy. First tooth gets a cool new toothbrush and a dollar. Subsequent teeth get dollar coins.

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  10. Anonymous3/14/2014

    We made up our own mythical creatures; eg. we have 'book elves' that leave storybooks at the breakfast chair. When the other kids in the neighbourhood told our little one started about a 'toof fairy' and she asking questions, we said 'what if you rolled over in the middle of the night and squashed her under the pillow?' She answered 'in the morning I'd find a flat fairy and a bag of other children's teeth', and we laughed until milk came out our noses...

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  11. I just posted a picture on my Blog / Facebook page ...it was Titled "What happens when the tooth fairy drinks" basically the dad gave a $100 bill instead of a $1 bill it was too funny. facebook.com/mommys3littlehelpersautumnsmith

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  12. The whole thing drives me crazy. Where we live, some of the kids get a 10 spot. Ludicrous. And then there's the little detail of me falling asleep before my kids half the time. And I just forget. So my kids are convinced that the fairy is a major slacker.

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  13. Whatever the bounty and each tooth is, it should be enough so the kid can buy something with it. Since the tooth fairy won't actually be there to deal with the temper tantrum that happens at Toys R Us, it's just better to bite the bullet and the kid enough to buy something. Trust me. I have PTSD from my kid's post first tooth fairy visit meltdown. xo

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  14. Awesome post! You're so right that people have gone WAY overboard with the tooth fairy. I'm pretty sure my 6-year old will be thrilled to find whatever he finds under his pillow when the time comes... I'm thinking a shiny gold $1 coin is all he's getting per tooth - it's not the same quarter's he earns for extra chores, but it's not highway robbery either!

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