Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

11.29.2013

Flocking? What the Flock is Flocking?????

Happiest holiday wishes to your family and you! This has been quite a whirlwind of a week: home to see family and friends whilst squeezing in a few minutes to cook and catch up with everyone. Needless to say I need a vacation to recover from my vacation. Now that the turkey carcass is chillin' in the fridge, it's clearly time for people to be completely ready for Christmas, right?

Um....not in my house. 

In areas where there are four definitive seasons – there’s protocol for holiday merriment preparation.

1.      It must be cold enough to freeze off Frosty’s nether regions. (Where do you think snowballs come from people???)

2.      You must hurry and hang up any Christmas decorations in a matter of moments or risk frost bite (see protocol #1)

3.      You must use miles of orange extension cord in order to adequately emblazon the neighborhood. Because orange camouflages so well against white snow.

4.      You have accomplished said emblazoning goals when you blow a fuse or ten.

5.      You may leave your decorations up until the lights defrost from their ice cocoons on any bit of your house or yard. This can be as late as May. Or, hell. Leave them on all year. I mean, it might be WAY TOO HOT in May to take down lights. It may also be still too cold. It's difficult to say as it changes daily.
Moving to California has shed a very different light on how people in warmer regions prepare for the holiday season. I mean, it’s hard to get into the spirit of Christmas when it’s 65 degrees outside. Fear not. The masses have remedied the manner in which one gets into the Ho-Ho-Holiday spirit.

1.      Fill your yard full of so much inflatable shit that you can’t see the lawn. It doesn’t matter if it’s holiday themed or not. Got an extra bouncy house? Toss it in there. An old moving box?  Throw some lights on it and call it a “gift.”  Inflatable mattress? Sure! Santa may need a nap en route.

2.      DO NOT inflate these things unless it is late at night when no one can see them. Make your yard look like a parachute graveyard so people question “Did the Flying Walendas miss their landing?”

3.      Hang up miles upon miles of icicle lights. So what if it doesn’t get below 45 degrees here at night. Icicle lights give an illusion of snow. Snow = Christmas spirit.

4.      Get your Tree Flocked.  Because nothing gets you in the mood like a good holiday flocking.


Wait. You don't know what the flock is flocking?  Well.....the answers to these questions and more are here on my post for this week on In the Powder Room....

Happy Flocking Holidays

Please check it out, and if you like it - share! Spread holiday cheer and make me feel like someone reads my crap. 

I'll be back soon with an actual post about my adventures this week. And, my voice is still hoarse from laughing!

 

11.20.2013

What Makes Me Happy

This is the time of year that people shout out their thanks from the roof tops and from behind their keyboards. Everywhere you look on Facebook is Day Such-and-Such of Thanks. On Day #19 I am thankful for birds, bees and pollen. Yeah....le barf.

Today I'd be extra freakin McThankful if I had a large skinny hot peppermint mocha from Starbucks - but I don't. Which is bullshit if you ask me.

Anyway...I digress. I am happy for the little things -I have compiled my list of things that I am thankful for - except it has a typical Tracy/Momaical twist.  Let me know what I have forgotten....



11.13.2013

I Should Have Built an Ark

As always we were running behind schedule. I grabbed Emmeline and ran down the stairs to get lunches prepared. I stepped off the last stair to the first floor and *splash* was up to my shin in water. I turn around and walk back up to the bathroom where my husband was getting ready.

"Yeah, I have some bad news. The entire first floor is flooded."
"You're kidding me."
"Nope."
"Sweet. I should have just taken a bath in the living room."

I wade back through the first floor of our home to find the source of the leak. The water is pouring out of the cupboard under the sink. I can't put my little one down because it was up to her waist and she can't swim - so she was deposited on the counter. I have to run outside to shut off the main water valve to tourniquet the disaster.

We open all the doors and the garage and watch the water pour outside. All of our boxes in the garage are soaked. Our furniture is submerged. Lena is running around yelling "Woo hoo! Indoor pool!" We are using brooms to push the water out through the open doors. Emmeline is sitting on the kitchen table so she doesn't fall and drown. It takes 4 hours to get the water down to just puddles. I'm meandering between hysterical laughter and crying about all my ruined furniture.  Lena's thoughts on the catastrophe: "Lena: "Mommy, I know this sucks for you, but I think this is WICKED FUN." I can't even reprimand her; it does suck. My husband: "Well, the house needed a good douching anyway." Aren't we just the silver-lining family? Sigh...
  
The cause of the flood: the hot water dispenser under the sink exploded. Everything on the first floor is damaged. EVERYTHING: my gym bag full of clothes next to the door, our closet with all our shoes, every piece of living room/dining room/family room furniture is soaked. The only positive thing about this was that we were renting. A company came to help dry everything out for us. We were out of our house for almost 3 weeks between the drying process and the floor replacement process. Thank goodness we had renters insurance because without it - this nightmare would have been a WHOLE LOT WORSE.

If you don't have insurance - even if you're renting (the landlords insurance for the house does NOT cover your personal belongings!). Maybe you feel like shopping around. Consider Polygon for your insurance needs. Insurance isn't always cheap - but it is affordable and when disaster strikes, you're going to wish you had it. Especially when you have to live at Embassy Suites for so long that the staff knows you all by name and what your kids want for breakfast....

11.12.2013

Book Signing

Sorry for my total neglect of this page! I have been so crazy that I literally had 15 loads of laundry to do this past weekend - it was so out of control Emmeline had to borrow Lena's underwear. Yeah. Mother of the year over here.

Here's where I'll be in not only the internet world - but also in REAL FREAKIN LIFE!!!!!
This Thursday, November 14th at 7pm I'm doing a book signing and reading at Bay Books in San Ramon. If you are in the area and free - I'd LOVE to see you there!  Here are the details:



Also, there's nothing better than spending time with friends. Although finding mutually convenient time is enough to make me tired. Very tired. When did having fun become SO. MUCH. WORK?



I hope to see you on Thursday - I'm planning to read my FAVORITE blog post at the event. Plus, there will be cookies. Who can say no to cookies?


11.03.2013

Blind Dates May Be Better For The Blind

My path to finding Mr. Right was paved with dorky toads. One in particular my friend said would be "perfect" for me. 


THIS IS WHO YOU THINK IS PERFECT FOR ME???? 


Have you even met me? 

I dish all the details about why Blind dates may be better for the blind (or less judgy) on In The Powder Room. 


Any good blind date stories to share?

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