Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

6.17.2013

Shit No One Tells You To Expect When You're Expecting

When you're in the hospital after giving birth you're inundated with information: don't shake your baby, do get them vaccinated, don't spend money on those awful pictures they take of your squashed newborn that makes them look like a tomato, do bring 7,000,000,000 of those diaper/pad/postpartum things home with you.

But there's SO much that they don't tell you about parenting. Important things you should mentally prepare for because inevitably it will happen to you - despite all your hilarious pre-child notions of how your baby will NEVER whine or how your life will not change at all.  Excuse me for a minute while I laugh until I pee a little (oh yeah, one more thing no one tells you). Bahahaha...(and pee). 


I have two kids and I spew a lot of bullshit - which  clearly makes me an expert on almost everything. So, I've decided to put together a little training manual for parents. It's the first of a series I'm calling: Shit No One Tells You To Expect When You're Expecting. Here's a brief synopsis:


Shit No One Tells You To Expect When You're Expecting
By Dr. Tracy Winslow*

*Tracy Winslow has zero formal training as a doctor, parenting expert or writer. She is in NO WAY a doctor.We're not even sure she's human. Please do not believe one thing she says nor follow any advice she gives. Ever. I beg of you for the love of all that is holy. 

Chapter 1. What the Fuck Did I Just Say?????
While parenting you will say things that you can't believe. Things will trip off your tongue like: "I can't hear you, I'm vacuuming the shower" and "Oh my GOD - did you just put lip gloss on your butt" as well as "No, you may not jump off the balcony - I don't care if you're wearing a towel like a cape." No one can really prepare you for the conversations you will have nor the warnings you will heed to your children. Because, really, who would believe it any way?

Chapter 2. Um....duh?

You will have to answer questions that there is no freakin' way that you would know the answers to. Questions like "Mommy, do owls fart?" and "Why does her milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Does she have a milkshake stand?"

Chapter 3. You In The Pink! Penalty Box for 10!

You will referee knock down, drag em out, brutal fights over a My Little Pony, a sticker, the cup with the bump in it.You will resort to time outs, threats and eventually Pyrrhic victories (such as breaking a tiara in half and giving a piece to each of them).You will be bloodied, insulted, and disowned; all over a Barbie shoe.

Chapter 4. You Have Given Birth To Your Most Embarrassing Friends

Remember that girl from college that was always drunk/naked/stupid and embarrassed you every time you were in public? That girl will seem like a Disney Princess in comparison to what your cherubs will do. You will be pantsed while standing in line at Marshalls.  They will accuse a stranger of "Doin' poopin' fawts". They will announce "Mommy has a fwashwite yike dat in her dwesser! It's purple and wiggles!" at a dinner with your husband's clients.


Don't be surprised when your tiny person starts 
tossing these out to friends like they're the Queen of Mardi Gras.

Chapter 5. Although You Love Them More Than You Could Ever Believe Possible - There Will Be Times You Want To Rub Their Little Faces in Asphalt

Yeah. I think this chapter is self explanatory.

Chapter 6. Bribing: the Other White Meat

You will give your kids crap ass food at the grocery store.You will buy them stupid ass apps on your iPhone for $27. You will allow them to watch 4,000 episodes of Phineas and Ferb in a row. You will do things you swore you would never do - just for a few free minutes to (fill in the blank with things like: shower, make a phone call, do a shot of Fireball - whatever- without whining, crying, fighting, begging, pleading, having to wipe butts/get string cheese/get a dwink).

Chapter 7. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Even the most honest of people will find themselves placed in a situation where you are forced to lie.  Ludicrous, outlandish lies like "It's illegal in the state of California to sleep in your Mommy's bed" and "If you eat sugar after 7 pm, a fairy cries." And you won't lose one second of sleep over it.

Chapter 8. Whatever You Do, Don't Laugh

While you have given birth to your most embarrassing friends - they are also the funniest.  They will say things and act in horribly inappropriate ways and you will need to handle it.  Just remember to write it down - because the little bastards suck out every one of your brain cells and you won't remember a darn thing - like the sage advice I have given in Chapters 1-8.

Dr. Tracy Winslow* is accepting pre-orders for her earth shattering, record breaking best selling, kick ass book Shit No One Tells You To Expect When You're Expecting.  Get your copy now.  She is also available to speak at baby showers, weddings and social gatherings.


*Did you even READ the * above???  She is NOT a doctor. WTF people. 


If you know of anyone who has kids, is thinking about having kids, was once a kid - share this critical information with them.  To learn more about this and other highly important knowledge like how my 6 year old singing makes my 3 year old "bawf in my mouf" - come hang out with me on FacebookTwitterPinterest.  

This has been a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.  no it hasn't

99 comments:

  1. Look like it'll be funny. When do you plan on releasing it?

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    1. Yeah...I'd have to actually write it first. So - it may take a while. :)

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    2. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Well I say GET TO IT: )

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    3. This is awesome!!!

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  2. "Owls fart because the mice are spicy. Remember what happens to Daddy when he eats Mexican? Yeah... like that."

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    1. Spicy Mice - sounds like a band Synnove!

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  3. Think for everyone, expecting is an individual experiences save a few similarities.....but all in all, it's a difficult time. Thanks for sharing! http://petsawarenews.com/?p=204

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  4. Omigosh I laughed so hard when I read this (and then.....). ""If you eat sugar after 7 pm, a fairy cries." HI-larious!!! Just the other day my daughter dragged my pads out of my workbag (in front of guests) "Can I play with these?" Really? And my husband and I still laugh at all the embarrassing moments, like when my 2 yo yelled "Daddy tooted!" super loud at Super Target. Fantastic post ~ thanks for sharing!!!

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    1. Yeah, mine came downstairs covered in "Mommy's stickers" all over her shirt - which equated to a box of pantyliners. It was mint.

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  5. Sounds about right to me! :)

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha - nice to know that I'm not alone in this fun!

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  6. heeeeeeeelarious! Must put a disclaimer at the top warning people NOT to read in a place where they can't freely laugh out loud!

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    Replies
    1. Good. My job is done Kerry!

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  7. This is an everyday thing in my house with my niece and nephew haha!

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    1. Yeah, most people think I exaggerate - until they spend a few hours in my home. Then they double up on birth control.

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  8. Anonymous6/17/2013

    "Do NOT stick your toe in the dogs butt EVER AGAIN."
    ~True Story

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    Replies
    1. I am TOTALLY embroidering that onto a pillow or something.

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    2. This is fantastic!

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  9. Hilarious! That was so funny. I remember reading what to expect when you're expecting and burning it in the backyard when I realized it was rosy shit that wasn't true.

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    1. Yeah, no one tells you stuff you need to know like how to get an entire bottle of moisturizer out of the wood cabinets or how to get the kid to stop trying to catch the fish with chopsticks.

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  10. SO accurate. This is brilliant, Dr. Tracey.

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    1. I'm pretty sure Harvard is trying to get a hold of me right now to award me with an honorary doctorate.

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  11. I just e-mailed this link to my mom because I don't have kids of my own yet, and I know she would get a laugh out of it (or laugh so hard she pees a little, then blame me for doing it to her body!).
    You HAVE GOT to write this book! It's going to be a classic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - thank you so much for sharing! I appreciate it tremendously!

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  12. Replies
    1. Well, damn. Now I have to get off my lazy butt and write something...

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  13. Um, no kids yet, but I'm taking notes...;)

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    Replies
    1. Don't be afraid...ok, be a little bit afraid...

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  14. Oh, yes. All of this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Feel free to add to the list. This was just a "brief synopsis".

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  15. LOL!! Loved it, Tracy! Yeah, let me know how to answer the milkshake question!

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    Replies
    1. The answer is always "Yes. She had a lemonade/milkshake stand".

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  16. Oh GAWD. Where in the hell were you 11 years ago??? I read every damn page of that "other" book. Every. Damn. Page. No help at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. None. Just think about how much more prepared for parenthood you would have been if someone wrote this kind of book. About 2% more prepared.

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  17. Love it, and can really relate to "no you can't jump off the balcony, I don't care if you have a towel for a cape.!" Put me down for a pre-order of your upcoming book!! Lol! Thanks for a well needed laugh!

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    1. Thanks Kathy! And, there are so many death defying adventures I need to squash on a daily basis.

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  18. I would definitely read that book!! It all rings so true!! None of what you wrote about seems possible UNTIL you have kids!! Don't forget to add in the part about letting your pre-child(ren) potty mouth slip out every once in a while (read at least twice a day)and then one day you are doing something and say, "son of a ..." and you don't actually finish that sentence for your child's sake, only to have your 3 year old belt out, "SON OF A BITCH!!" as.loud.as.she.can!!! Yup, mother of the year award headed my way!!

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    1. Oh, my baby walks around going "Dammit. Dammit. Dammit." Oops.

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  19. Replies
    1. Thanks Ashley! You can contribute.

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  20. So funny Tracy!. And oh so true...

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    1. Unfortunately yes. Thankfully they're funny or else I would have sent them back.

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  21. My almost 5and 7 year olds came out of the 7 year olds bedroom after having been playing with the door shut. As they came out, their dad saw they were getting dressed. The conversation went like this:
    Dad: Why are you getting dressed?
    Kid 1: We were playing
    Dad: Were you naked while playing?
    Kids (insert giggle here): Yes
    Dad: What were you playing?
    Kid 1: Nothing
    Dad: No really, what were you playing?
    Kid 1: Dr. Tickle (here is where I dissolve into silent hysterical laughter in the next room)
    Dad (with complete seriousness that I don't know how he maintained): How do you play Dr. Tickle?
    Kid 1: We tickle each other's tummies
    Dad: While naked? (More hysterical silent laughter)
    Kid 1: Yes
    Dad: Well, here's the deal kids, let's not do that anymore because that isn't appropriate for kids your age.
    Kids: Okay
    Dad - demonstrates Dr. Tickle behind their backs and dissolves into his own quiet hysterical laughter

    Ah, the joy of children

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Remember that lip gloss that had the roller ball? Lena received a box of flavored ones in her stocking. She LOVED them. Until I walked in on her and her friend using the gloss on their butts. I FREAKED THE FREAK out. My best friend finally had me laughing about it - after I threw every single lip gloss away.

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    2. Hilarious! That's the funniest thing I've read in ages!!! And I'll be making sure my boy keeps his door open during the next playdate!

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  22. Most embarrassing friends? Yes. Faces in asphalt? Even yesser. Sharing everywhere!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Amy!!! I really appreciate it!

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  23. Hilarious and complete truth, Some of the things I say amaze the fuck out of me...who would have thought that "kitty's don't like to be lotioned" would ever be a normal saying especially considering lotioned isn't even a damn word, and my son once told a complete stranger in a grocery store that I was on drugs, but failed to mention the drug was ibuprofen, Gotta love parenting

    Domesticated Breakdown

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    1. They will really embarrass the daylights out of you - and it's not like you can just abandon them to hide after the fact. I'm saving up all these nuggets of hideous for payback in a few years...

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  24. Hahaha! Add 'constantly finding random items in child's diaper/underwear'to the list and Welcome to my home! Love this!

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    1. My sister found a baby snake in while changing a diaper. A real, live, baby snake. Her son was like "I did a somersault on it and it jumped it!" And that's when I realized changing a diaper full of blueberry explosion was just fine with me.

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  25. Perhaps the best book on parenting I have ever read. Do you have a followup book planned exclusively on sleep habits?

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    1. Well, my children don't sleep. But why should that stop me from writing a book about sleep habits!?! ;)

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  26. OMG - I think I've said those same things....and my personal favorite was we don't sniff the dog or other people's butts when we meet them! Stop it! You're scaring the neighbor kid's parents.

    I love your blog!

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    1. LOL - I would DIE laughing if I heard the neighbor say that. Perhaps that's why the neighbors are horrified by us?

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  27. This needs to be published and kept at every gyno office.

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    1. Oh, do NOT get me started on gyn visits.... In fact, just read this
      http://www.momaical.com/2012/08/gynecology-gone-wild.html

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  28. LOVE this so hard!!

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    1. Love YOU right back Snarky lady!

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  29. I'm sure you've already done it, but Pin this bitch because Pinterest followers are going to be on this like white on rice! PERFECTION, Dr. Winslow. Just perfection. ;)

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    1. I keep pinning and am now having a lab coat dry cleaned. Do you think the fact that it says "Dr. Howie Feltersnatch" is inappropriate?

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  30. Awesome. I should send a copy of this AND our book to my little neighbor up the street who is expecting!

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    1. Brilliant! It is better to stock up on Zoloft when you have the chance then to be completely unprepared.

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  31. I really love #8 about writing it down, and I'd add take pictures, because when you tell them about their antics when they're older, they will refuse to believe you. Proof is key.

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    1. Good point. Just like the outfits that my girls wear in public that make them look like they just crawled out of the goodwill bins. They would never believe me down the road at how they dressed themselves.

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  32. Holy crap that was funny!!! Genius!

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  33. I just can't with you any more woman! Too Too Funny! Thanks for being my hooker!

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  34. "Get your head out of your sister's underwear!" Should've said, 'Take your sister's underwear off your head,' but it had been a long day, I was tired, I was PMSing, and really, in hindsight, the look on the UPS guy's face wouldn't have been nearly as funny had I said what I should've, rather than what I actually did.

    This is brilliant.

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    1. Yesterday my cherub walked in with no pants on and underwear on her head. Thankfully the only witness was her sister. Who also had her underwear on her head.

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  35. This should be a MUST read for all those lovelies out there planning families - or maybe the horny teens in the back seats. Love it!

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  36. Omg!! Love,love,love it! I may have peed while reading. ok,I did pee. fireball shots! Get writing woman! This is great!

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    1. LOL - Goodness, maybe I should!

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  37. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Too funny!
    Overheard yesterday at my house: "Ok, but after this you will not be allowed to jump on the couch naked again."

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    1. Yeah - there's a lot of comments in my house. Today I said "I don't care if you're in your underwear. Go outside and clean up your mess."

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  38. I burst out laughing because my son embarrasses me on a regular basis. The worst is when I have to take him clothes shopping with me because it never fails that while I am changing he screams out mommy I can see your butt. Of course now I make him face the wall while I change. I once allowed him to sit outside the door which was a nightmare since he decided that since he couldn't stay in my dressing room he would slip into someone elses all I heard were women screaming and I knew it was my child.

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  39. Anonymous6/19/2013

    1st baby due in Dec. I'll be needing this book before then.

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    Replies
    1. Congratulations, good luck and don't listen to any of the lame advice you get from just about everyone on planet Earth when you're pregnant with your first! I mean, except for my genius. Then tattoo that shit on your ass. ;)

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  40. Anonymous6/19/2013

    My husband watched me take a drink and instead spill water all over my shirt one day, turn to my 3 year old and say, "Mommy has a drinking problem." in the HOPES he would repeat it to his class. They don't tell you how to handle those moments!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, sometimes my husband is worse than the kids. Oh who am I kidding? Most times.

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  41. This is a giant can of AWESOME. In heavy syrup.
    Chapter 5. Let's not ever talk about Chapter 5, deal?
    This post IS SOOOOOOOoooo funny!
    Glad you came by the blog hop today.

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    Replies
    1. Deal, Joy. Never discuss Chapter 5 again. Until the next funny thing happens...

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  42. Oh Tracy this was priceless! So incredibly funny. You could fill a library with all the shit they never tell us before we have kids!

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    1. Right? Or at least one random blog post of funny. Thanks Jessica!

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  43. "Mommy has a fwashwite yike dat in her dwesser! It's purple and wiggles!"

    DIED LAUGHING.

    In a public restroom, my daughter once shouted, "WOW, mommy, your poopoo is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO big! That means you're healthy! Good job!"

    She even clapped for me.

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    1. Oh my GOD that is mortifyingly awesome.

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  44. I love this! You really should write a book! I was laughing so hard the baby sat up, looked at me, and laughed!... Must include "when potty training a boy, who sneezes EVERY morning, wear a wetsuit!" I still have no clue why it took me forever to move from in front of the toilet in the morning!

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    1. See, you clearly need to consider a potty training tutorial or vlog to train the masses. Or, a trashy magazine - Amazing Mom gets peed on EVERY MORNING and lives to tell about it! Also, has no need to be concerned about jellyfish stings.

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  45. Loved #2 but #8 was the truest.

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  46. Great post. It's was a hoot and true, haha. Thanks for linking up the Tattler Thursday Bog Hop. (ImNoHumdrum-Mum: Co-Hostess.)

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  47. Saw this on Pinterest and I'm so glad I clicked over for a good laugh with my morning coffee! Hilarious!

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    1. Welcome! Glad you stopped by to share a cup of coffee with me!

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  48. Found you trough Social Weekend Hop and liked your page on FB :) So nice to meet you!!! You rock Tracy!

    Visit me if you can: https://www.facebook.com/MonasPicturesque

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  49. Ha! This is hilarious. Pinning to my faves board immediately. And sending to a few pregnant friends. ;-)

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  50. love! especially the parts about lying and embarassing friends. like the time the boy announced "i don't weaow diapows anymow but mama stiw does." :)

    ReplyDelete

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