Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

5.03.2013

The Secret Meeting of the Assholes Club

I believe there is a secret meeting of the Assholes Club.  This get together always seems to be happening when I need to go there. It's almost like they're trying to recruit me or something. And, I'm going to announce their secret meeting place - if you don't hear from me again...you'll know why. 

The Asshole Club meets at HOME DEPOT. 

As I walk into Home Depot, the assholios first try to overwhelm me with trying to sell me solar panels, new windows and a build your own hummingbird house DIY project.  But, I am wearing my big girl boots (Shut up - Burberry is bad ass) and I am not going to be bullied into any unnecessary purchases.  Ooooh, when did Martha start making glitter paint?  Focus, dammit! Focus!  I toss a pink and purple into the cart and readjust my hard hat.  (Figurative, people.  Figurative.  I would not REALLY wear a hard hat because it would mess up my hair and it takes me 6 hours of totally interrupted sleep to get it to look this way.)

I smile at the barrage of Hare Krishnas-in-training and attempt to deflect their pushy advances of new siding or a foundation inspection.  I want to handle it kindly because these are a group of people who hang around saws and chippers - and I don't want to be made into mulch for their garden.    However, "No thank you" at a meeting of the Asshole club translates to "Fuck you, douche canoe". Crap!   

I need switch plate covers - not a koi pond.  I try to navigate my cart the size of Egypt through the crowded aisles without taking out a display of light bulbs.  This is no easy task because the Asshole Club blocks most of the escape routes.  I round the corner - barely missing a kiosk of nails which were clearly placed there to deflate the wheels of my cart so I am TRAPPED.  Hah.  Your deleterious plot was foiled, Asshole Club.  Muahahahahaha!

It's like they planned for me to crash their meeting.  The switch plate covers are oh-so-conveniently located in another time zone.  I get all Danika Patrick with my gibungous race car/cart and kick it into higher gear.  Left - right - aisle 3,461 - not dishwashers, not doors, just switch plates.  Doing a burn out and leaving tread marks in my wake - I arrive.

For the love of all that is holy.  There are seven hundred billion and three different switch plates.  No, not ivory, not bronze, not pewter, not decorated, not oversized, not in the shape of Al Gore - dammit!   I JUST NEED A PLAIN FREAKIN WHITE ONE. I'm tossing boxes around in my search for the holy grail of wall plates when this guy barges into my dystopia.  He looks at me and says "You look like you should be at the beach and not in a man's place, sweetheart." 

The BEACH?  Did you not see my plaid work Wellies fucker????  My inner feminist sneers at this attack on my carpentry prowess.  Finally -I snag a box of white unbreakable nylon wall plates.  I toss one into my racecar and then run over his foot on the way out - well, just because.  I pay for my pink and purple glitter paint and wall plate and head back to the car - flipping someone off who drives just a little to close to my orange carriage.  Can you NOT SEE THIS FUCKING THING?  For the love of God, astronauts are pointing at it from the International Space Station!

First rule of Asshole Club - You do not talk about Asshole Club.
Rule Number Who-Gives-A-Fuck - If this is your first time at a meeting of the Assholians - you must embrace your inner asshole. 

Looks like I'm an honorary member now. 

Asshole Club meeting?  At Home Depot?  No idea what you're talking about.  But, take a look at my sparkly paint!





 

13 comments:

  1. This is freaking hilarious. I'm so glad you ran over his foot.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL!! I'm not a fan of Home Depot at all! And the asshole deserved getting his foot ran over!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's lucky I didn't kick him with my plaid self.

      Delete
  3. Oh no he di'int! Was it an employee, or a customer?

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  4. Anonymous5/03/2013

    oh my pet peeve...assholes at Home Depot who look at me lugging my 12 ft piece of wood to the cashier and says "oh honey, are you sure your husband wants that size?"
    Fuck off asshole...I know how to use a measuring tape AND a table saw...
    even if I do have perfectly manicured nails.

    Play Possum

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love it. Don't make me take out my very cute wallet and beat you with it. Because I'm a mommy. Your shit doesn't scare me.

      Delete
  5. DOUCHE CANOE!! HAHAHAHHAHAAHA! And the sparkle paint killed me!

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  6. You are such an asshole, and I love it.

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  7. It was worth popping into the meeting just for the term "douche canoe"...thank you for that my friend! You never disappoint ;)

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  8. You obviously didn't stand a chance. Embrace your new-found assholeness and try to pay it forward. Next time you see a dude in Home Depot doing, well, anything, feel free to tell him he looks like he could use a colonoscopy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You should go to Lowe's - they are surprisingly douche canoe free. In fact, they should really run with that idea in their next marketing campaign.

    ReplyDelete

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