So, we are planning to buy a house before I collapse and die and have my husband just pack my rotting corpse up with the crystal and tupperware. Through the hundreds of houses we have perused I have learned one thing: people do some freaky shit to their homes.
I have seen the following while house hunting:
Taxidermied pets - I know you love Fluffy, but for the love of GOD - let them move on after they pass away. It's like a creepy pet cemetery.
Carpet in strange places. I mean, who is getting up in the top of the closet to vacuum? I barely vacuum the floors people step on - there is no way that space will be anything but a giant dust collector.
Walls painted really hideous and bold colors. One house had an entire wall with the Jamaican flag painted on it. Unless my New Year's resolution was to start smoking copious amounts of weed - this would never work out. The only thing that would take away this amount of bright paint would be a blowtorch.
Complete and utter disasters of houses. Holes punched in walls, feces on the carpet, severe water leakage. I mean - YOU put your house on the market. Do you actually want to sell it? And, unless it is priced at the bargain of the millennium - you need to make it look as pristine as possible for me to consider it. I'm not a fixer-upper kinda girl.
What the fuck is up with all the rooster love?
You know people are going to check out your closets - because closet space is a big deal especially in California where there are no basements and no attics. PUT YOUR SEX TOYS AWAY PEOPLE. I mean, good for you for adding some kink to your love life. But, do you need to brag about it? Yes, we are selling our house to upgrade so we can add a red room of pain - currently we only have a small closet of pain.
People. We have an appointment to view your home. It's not like we just show up unannounced. So, for the 15 minutes we are there - could you please NOT be there? It's very awkward to discuss what we like or dislike about your house in front of you. In fact, we have walked away from a few houses when we are told to come back or wait.
So, the search continues. Who knows how long it will take. However, this house looks promising. I mean, it SAYS it's not haunted...
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We've been house hunting recently too and the state of some of the homes is unbelievable. I've seen all kinds of crazy things like you've said. What's with all the wood paneling in this town. Was wood paneling ever a good decorating choice? If you're going to build an addition on your home try to build it out of something substantial. Slapping a few sheets of tin together on the back of your house just doesn't cut it. This isn't a shanty town for goodness sakes.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think you should go for the house that's not haunted. Ghosts just complicate things. I know because I saw Poltergeist a million years ago or whenever that horrifying thing came out.
I voted for you on Circle of Mom, because I love voting for things it makes me feel important, and this post made me laugh.
Peace out.
LOL True. I complicate my life enough all on my own - I don't need ghosts getting into the action. Thanks for voting!
DeleteThey don't have basements or attics out there? That's so weird!
ReplyDeleteNope! The houses are typically built on a slab. As to why no attics - no idea. But closet space is a premium because otherwise everyone has their garages stuffed to the gills with the crap you tend to hide elsewhere!
DeleteI'm also shocked by the amount of people that still have houses full of wallpaper. No one wants to undo all that when they move in. Get all that paisley out of your kitchen STAT! I love the "not haunted" sign. Brilliant. I'd have to go see it just because of that ;)
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck in your new house hunt, Pookie. May you find a new palace filled with neutral colors, shiny new fixtures, and hardwoods as far as the eye can see!
Yes, old lady wallpaper - def. NO in my book.
DeleteYou mean to tell me that you have gone looking for houses with a realtor and found crap on the floor? Like the owners knew a house full of people who are looking to buy were gonna traipse thru, and they just never bothered to pick it up? That.Is.Crazy.
ReplyDeleteI like the not haunted sign. That's a nice touch.
Why do you have to move every 5 minutes?
You should write a piece for the local realtors' association. With the title, "Tell your clients to hide the sex toys, and other tips for staging a home."
ReplyDeleteI really, really need to stop not being on twitter and I really need to catch up on my blog reading. You are moving?!?!?! I had no clue!!
ReplyDeleteFor your sake I at least hope the red closet of pain had some decent toys in it ;)