Life is One Giant Bell Curve

Recently my husband and I met friends of ours at a nice restaurant for a rare night out.  We were enjoying a delicious bottle of wine and decadent appetizers while regaling each other with stories of our week.  An elderly couple was next to us, bickering about who misplaced the cell phone.  The gentleman heads away from the table, assumedly in search of the lost phone.   The four of us are laughing and talking about what we are planning to order for our main course when the elderly woman interrupts us to recommend the steak.  Ok, thank you!  Back to our conversation.  Then she interrupts us to tell us that the waitress is ignoring her.  Ok.... What were we talking about, oh, yeah.   We don't want to be rude, but....

Then she butts in and says "Do you want to see who my hero is?" and whips an iPad out of a ginormous purse to show us pictures of an elderly fashionista.  Um...random... She interrupted the rest of our meal with non-sequiturs and was still talking to us as we were walking out the door.   Her husband never returned to the table.  Perhaps he was waiting in the car to give his bleeding ears a break.

It reminded me of a time that the girls and I had gone to have lunch at a pizza place.  We were seated, Lena was coloring quietly and Emmeline was asleep in the stroller.  A woman came in to dine, was seated near us, saw the girls and audibly sighed. She muttered something under her breath about "stupid kids".  It completely agitated me because we were in a restaurant that is designed for FAMILIES - this was not Nobu at 11pm.   Not to mention my girls were behaving themselves (especially since E was asleep) - and my kids are anything but stupid.  Normally I spend the entire time at a restaurant trying to keep my kids quiet and minding their own business.  I decided to unleash the torrent that is Lena unto her.  She's going to bitch about my kids while at a family restaurant - she's going to feel the full effect of my 4 year old. 

Lena spent the next half hour flapping this woman's ear off.  "Do you know my favorite color? It's pink.  I love Ke$ha.  She is SO cool.  She's also "Hot and Dangerous" which is like fire or lava.  Because lava is hot and dangerous.  We shouldn't touch it.  Do you know that on Wonder Pets they had to rescue a baby crane from lava and SAVE THE DAY! (Breaks into song)." 

Emmeline slept through the entire meal.  I was able to actually eat a few pieces of pizza in peace since Lena was occupied singing every Ke$sha, Lady GaGa and Little Mermaid song she could think of much to the chagrin of the woman next to us.  Really, the woman should have paid extra for lunch and a show.  But, I'll consider her ire payment enough.  I bet she never demonstrates disdain for children quite so openly in future lunch excursions.

It occurred to me: Elderly people have a lot in common with toddlers.  "Do you want to know who my hero is?" is just the older version of "Guess who my favorite princess is!" 

The elderly say whatever they're thinking, when they feel like it because "they've earned that right."  Kids say whatever they're thinking, when they fell like it because they don't know any better.  I believe tact is the last concept to acquire as a child and the first one to go as we age.  Which is why a child will follow a less-than-hygienically-clean woman around the grocery store yelling "Who is that fat, stinky man?"  And why elderly women LOVE to tell me that I'm a less-than-stellar mother because my children really should wear a coat (even though I have spent the last half hour and five years arguing with them about putting it on). 

Other similarities:
Pull ups are just Depends in smaller sizes.
My girls love things with animal print and will wear it from head to toe and with any outfit they wish. So does my grandmother.
Mush.  Ease of eating with no teeth.
Small children should not drive cars.  Neither should the elderly.
Kids have public temper tantrums.  I watched an old man have a meltdown about a corn muffin.
I incessantly worry about my kids falling down and breaking something.  There's a reason for "I've fallen and I can't get up!" pagers from LifeAlert.

Enough said.

My sister has always said she wishes to be euthanized before she turns 40.  I use to laugh.  Now I think she may be on to something....