Letter to NyQuil

Dear NyQuil:

The Godfather of Cold Medicines. The "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, achy, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest medicine".  You were one badass green NyQuil mofo. Colds and Flus everywhere cowered at the mere mention of you. You only came out on special occasions, like the Cold-tagion of '92 and the Flunami of '95 - but when you did it was magical. At least I think it was magical.  I was stoned to the bejeezus from you so really it could have been anything.

And, you know what was great about you? You didn't even care that you tasted like ass. You wore that green death flavor like a badge. You were all "I'm motherfucking NyQuil: Capital N, Lower Case Y, Big Fucking Q." No one complained because by the time you were ready to gag from the taste you were in a NyQuil induced coma.  We were not sniffling, sneezing, achy or stuffy headed.  We rested, dammit. Yes, we were waking around looking like Shrek with green teeth and all tripped out from the NyQuil effects - but we were not coughing.   And we had you to thank for it.

But then, the FDA came knocking on your door.  "We've had some complaints that kids are partying with you. You're going to have to tone it down."

You should have been "Yeah, FDA. Did you not see the giant fucking Q?  I'm NyQuil, goddamn it. It's not my fault if stupid ass kids are NyQuillin like a villain. The good news is McDonald's is always hiring fry cooks." 

But you DIDN'T.  You kowtowed to the man. You changed.  You got all wimpy and decided you'd rather be mingling with the common cold remedies instead of being a giant green douchebag behind the pharmacy counter.  No longer are you the "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, achy, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest medicine".  Now you're just "nighttime relief."  But you don't even put me in a NyQuil induced coma.  And....NO! Say it isn't so.  You're CHERRY FLAVORED.  Gasp!

Hang your wuss-ass head in shame.  You don't deserve that big fucking Q any more. 

Not well rested and hacking up a lung,

Tracy

Here's the bottle they should sell you in, you big baby.




If you'd like to see more rants or raves in true epistolary form - check out my other collaborative blog with a bunch of amazing bloggers: The Epistolarians.  This month features letters from us to get things off our chests!  

Also you can check me out in No Laughing Allowed and To Bliss and Back, both available on the Kindle, Nook and Paperback. You buy a paperback copy and I'll autograph it for you. Then you can say you knew me waaaay back when NyQuil actually kicked my ass. There are links over there on the right hand side that will take you RIGHT to the site to order them!!!

 

Oh, and if you like my writing PLEASE share it!  Because sharing is caring and you don't want to start the new year with bad karma, do you??? That's what I thought...