Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

12.30.2012

With Love from the Lavatory


I’d like to take this opportunity to extend an ecstatic thank you to my 2-year-old.  She continually goes above and beyond to discover new ways to publicly humiliate me.  She doesn’t stay with a standard meltdown.  No.  That’s far too prosaic for her taste and abilities.  She’s constantly fine tuning her craft and striving to reach the upper echelon of mortification.

We have spent the past few days at the beach with my in laws.  One of the many benefits of having them in town means I can split potty duty in public restrooms with my mother-in-law.  It is SO much easier to navigate this foray into filth with only one child in tow.    My husband refuses to take the girls because “For fuck’s sake Tracy!  Have you ever seen how goddamn disgusting a men’s room is?  It would take me an hour to make a bird’s nest and Emmeline touches everything.”  So, I’m usually on my own with public potty duty. Except for this brief respite with my MIL – I have only one to worry about touching things like the feminine hygiene receptacle, the under carriage of the toilet or trying to wear a garbage can as a hat.  As Emmeline is constantly up my ass sideways – she goes with me by default.

Typically the impetus for the restroom visit is a tiny toddler potty dance. Although my girls seem to be collecting data for a coffee book table chronicling every restroom in the state of California with all the bathrooms they visit.  As to avoid any whizzage in the pantaloons, Emmeline is ceremoniously deposited on the throne first.  And, since I frequent the lavatory 70 million times a day – I take advantage of this opportunity as well. 

Emmeline has grown several inches in the past month.  She can now reach the lock on the door – and I am without Lena to run interference.  With a warning of “Me are big now! Hooway!” she opens up the door for the entire world to cast their eyes upon this most private of moments.



Sometimes she dashes to the sink because “Me need soapy!” Other times she gives color to all the legions of observers “My Mommy needs stickers in her bunners! Her says it’s cause her’s all gwowed up.”  Because everyone needs to know about my pantiliner necessity, clearly.


She has chosen to embrace the freedom of the unlocked door on multiple occasions in the following locations:

The extremely crowded lavatory at the Ghiardelli factory.

The single lavatory at a classy restaurant that opened up into the waiting area during a very busy dinner hour. 

McDonald’s

The hotel lobby at check-in
 
Our hotel room where my father in law had a terrific view of the events unfolding.

The very busy lavatory at the beach which was packed with fellow vacationers.


For an ephemeral moment I debate crawling under the walls to the stall next door.  But there’s no escape – as the free world is watching to see how I react to abject humiliation.  Literally being caught with my pants down, I am forced to address the default voyeurs with a quip:  “I’ll be available for autographs in just a moment.  Please speak with my tiny blonde manager should you wish for speaking engagements.”  Then I head to the sink to wash my humiliation down the drain along with the copious cooties of the past patrons of public facilities.  

18 comments:

  1. I used to think it was mortifying when mine were toddlers and they would crawl under the doors to go visiting.

    Having them open the door on you is just so much worse!

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  2. Tracy I've got stomach pains from laughing here. And I do believe it'll take me awhile to figure out exactly what you do with 'stickers in your bunners since you're all gwowed up.'

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  3. Ahh, the good old days. The open door to pure humiliation. Better you than me! ha ha. Love it.

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  4. Hahaha! That was hilarious! Good thing my kids never thought of that. Thank God they listened to: "Wait till mommy is done, okay hun?"

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  5. I can't say, I've been there (Thank God!), but this is funny nonetheless.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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  6. Oh lordy - hilarious! And I think I need a shower now.

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  7. Tears. This brought me to tears. Between your husband and the birds nest and your tiny blonde manager... Too funny. I know my time is coming, I just hope I will be able to laugh at it.

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  8. Since "Don't touch!" doesn't always work too well, I yell, "Hands on your head!" when the boy is about to touch a lock or a tampon receptacle. He seems to prefer "dos" to "don'ts."

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  9. I love when my daughter yells at me, "Do not wipe me. I can wipe my own vagina." Sigh....
    p.s great post.

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  10. Wait... you went out into public with your toddler? People *DO* that? Crap. I missed out. I stayed in for like three years because I couldn't tolerate the public tantrums & the unplanned vag flashes & the... well... all that stuff that makes people look at me. You are a brave, brave women. And I kind of look up to you. From the safety of my house. Where no one can see me. Ever.

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  11. The restaurant flash is HUL-arious. I would have died on the spot. But then again, my teenaged daughter called me (very loudly) a "rotten vagina" while I was standing in a LONG line at the JCPenney counter....been awhile since I've been back there....

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  12. Ladies - my husband wonders why I spend hundreds of dollars hiding my white hair. And, now you all know. Because my kids are masterminds at finding new and improved ways to torture me on a daily basis. Sigh...

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  13. lmao lmao!!! that's hilarious! i remember i had to go to the bathroom to wash my hands one time and this little girl was with her mom....and there were 2 more stalls...they were both occupied. apparently one of the women had to let out a big fart....i mean it was huge after she had poooed....and the little girl giggles really loud and says MOMMY SHE did a POOOOOPEEEED and FARTTEEEEED and then she giggled some more....i felt so embarrassed for that woman in the stall LOL

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  14. Oh my goodness! How awful. I had a guy barge in on me while I was going in a unisex bathroom at the bar last month. Sounds bad, right? But I had just barged in on a guy who was going, and he told me the lock was broken, and I thought he didn't lock it correctly and then stupidly had it happen to me.

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  15. I can so relate! I laughed out loud at "Me are big now. Hoooway!!" Love it!

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  16. Yes. Life is GREAT when you can share your granny panties with complete strangers. And, "stickers on her bunners" -- pantiliners.

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  17. Oh sweet Jesus, this is awesome. The "My Mommy needs stickers in her bunners!" did me IN!

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  18. Oh this is so my life, I have three at the embarrassing bathroom stage, just yesterday i was saying, through gritted teeth, "do NOT open that door while mommy is going potty" in the library restroom. Fun.

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