Where was I...Oh, yes. It was a day just like today. A normal October day in California. It was exactly seven hundred million degrees outside. Mother Nature didn't seem to receive the email that fall had arrived. (I read on Mother Nature's twitter: @Muthanatcha "God Damn FeedBurner". I'm not sure if this had anything to do with the fact that we were mere seconds from bursting into flames.) Sweat beaded up on your forehead to simply evaporate before it had time to drip into your eye and make it all stingy. I was either going through early menopause or it was freakin hot outside. Either way it sucked. Something had to be done before we ensconced ourselves in frozen GoGurts to survive the day.
|118 degrees?!? Ok, who pissed off Mother Nature?|
I packed up the girls and took them to the pool at the club. We had the entire thing to ourselves - which was surprising because it is always bustling even when it's a balmy 102 degrees. The metal gate on the fence creaked open - as if no one had been there in years. Hmm - strange. Oh well! More seats in the shade for us!
We quickly shed our layers and jumped into the cool, refreshing water - finally getting some relief from the oppressive heat. Lena swims to the "next lame over" and dives under the ropes. Suddenly she comes up screaming. "Ahhhhhhhh! Now I know why there's no one here!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
She scrambles out of "Lame 5" and starts placing orange traffic cones at the end of "Lame 4". Emmeline and I are just watching the scene unfold in front of us. When Lena's done lining the cones up, she's out of breath and slightly pale.
"I know why no one's here today Mommy. Because there's an Evil Zombie Cricket in Lame 4. It probably ate all the other people that came to swim today. I am blocking the lame off so no one else gets their brains eaten by it."
Oh. That explains it.
Emmeline and I lean in to look a little closer. Sure enough, there's a cricket doing the dead arthropod's float. Emmeline freaks out. "Ebil zombie cwicket!! Yet's get owta hew!" We evacuate the pool. I wrap E up in a towel and go to pull the cricket out of Lane 4 to end the madness. Except, it's no where to be found. Dun, dun, dun....
"Lena, I can't find the cricket. Do you know where it went?"
"Um, hello? What part of Evil Zombie Cricket did you not get? It's a Zombie. It probably went to a cemetery AND IS BUILDING AN EVIL ZOMBIE ARMY!"
Now, I'm not up on all my zombie lore - but apparently my 5 year old is. When I asked her how she knows so much about zombies and their habits, she credited Alvin and the Chipmunks. Which, is really like learning from the experts. Thank goodness she took the crash course. We were safe...for now. The rest of the afternoon, my girls kept vigil to make sure no more swimmers were needlessly converted to zombies led by Ebil Zombie Cwickets.
The End. Or is it?
|You can run, ebil zombie cwicket. But we'll find you. |
And then we'll crush you.
With Mommy's flip flops which double as lethal weapons.
Just ask the Black Widow.