Old People Should Not Drive

Old people should not drive.  Now, this generalization does not include people like James Bond who can still parallel park a van full of nuns while driving backwards and on only two wheels at 127 mph.  I'm talking about the lady I watched drive up on a giant concrete embankment at Trader Joe's while dragging two shopping carts that hooked on her mirror and then kept on driving over the curb and into the road.  I'm talking about the man who was so stooped over all I saw were a set of arthritic knuckles and a wisp of dandelion puff that may have been hair.   My two year old could have seen the road better than he did.  Come to think of it, I should have offered to let him borrow her booster seat. 

I'm talking about the woman who was carrying a purse that may or may not have been half a dog.  Now, she was neither elderly nor driving but should be talked about nonetheless because she was using a dog's ass as a purse. 

Fido goes EVERYWHERE with me and even matches my slippers!



But I digress.  Back to my diatribe about the dangers of old people + vehicles = accidents.  There needs to be some type of driving test when people reach a certain age.  Yes, it's ageism.  Yes, it's a pain in the ass for those who are still capable of driving.  But, it would have prevented Rip Van Winkle from hospitalizing a friend because he didn't even look before changing lanes.  Or kept the old man off the road who almost hit my husband while on his motorcycle because Ebenezer ran a very red light.   Or the fact that I couldn't let my children play in our front yard because Cruella DeVil next door backed out of her driveway at 70 mph without looking backwards. 

How do you make this happen?  I have no idea.  This is why I'm not a politician (that and a closet full of skeletons in Ann Taylor).  I just know that we watched an elderly woman crash right through the storefront of a Baskin Robbins, trapping an employee behind the counter - forcing them to eat their way out through gallons of Jamoca Almond Fudge and Rock n' Pop Swirl Sherbet.   Okay, that last part might not have really happened. But if gallons of frozen heaven was the only thing blocking my way to freedom you can bet your fat ass that I'd have the ice cream headache of a lifetime.  

I know there are young people who suck at driving.  I know there are middle aged people who hit everything but the lottery in their vehicle.  I know there are men who drive minivans with bad comb overs and check out young hot women that wouldn't pour their Go Girl energy drink on his car if it were on fire - (which is just wrong because he shouldn't set his sights so high).    I know that some women are too concerned with applying another coat of Bad Gal Lash while driving so they can have eyelashes that could double as tarantulas.   There are a lot of sucky drivers out there.  It just seems that there are a lot MORE sucky old people drivers. 

So, the moral of this story is: Don't be An Ass Purse.  Stop driving if you can't see over the steering wheel or you're starting to have the reflexes of a sea cucumber.  And, if you're not sure that I'm talking to you - then I probably am.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

Friends Don't Let Friends Be Ass Purses. 
Or, use dog's asses as purses.