HBO Commentator Lennox Lewis: So we’re thrilled to be part of this event, and we look forward to a really exciting fight on Saturday night.
Moderator: Lennox, what do you think Mommy Dearest and Golden Girl need to do to win this fight? What do you think the keys to success will be for each lady?
Lennox Lewis: Let’s start with Mommy Dearest. I believe that she has to really do what she usually does, try to keep that little Golden Girl in bed and asleep. Don't give in to her demands to get out of her kib. Golden Girl is known for that jabbing and keeping her mom off balance. She doesn't fight fairly. Lots of dirty tricks up her Princess Aurora sleeves.
Fresh out of Jail/Hangover Movie Mike Tyson: Yeah. She does that weally well.
Lewis: I noticed that Mommy hasn’t been moving too much on her feet. I believe it is because she has been under a perpetual state of sleep deprivation for the last several weeks. Golden Girl is really psyching her out before the big event tonight.
And as far as Golden Girl, I think she needs to really go to her opponent’s bedroom instead of screaming and waiting for Mommy Dearest to come to her. If she enters in the middle of the night on Mommy Dearests side of the bed Girl will catch Mommy unaware. Girl’s got a tremendous history. It kind of reminds me of my own being a world junior champion and having all the different amateur accolades. But with more ponytails and baby dolls.
Mike Tyson: Wet's get this undew way. Bof of da opponents are sweepin. And, hopefuwy wifout a tiger. Hahahaha - what? No one got my back on dat? Damn. Y'all awe hawsh.
Lewis: It's two o'clock in the morning fans! It's time to see who will win the epic battle tonight - Mommy Dearest taking on Golden Girl ~ Live from California!
(Microphone comes down from the light in the hallway. The commentator steps up which is pretty creepy because he doesn't live here.):
Commentator: Fighting out of the pink corner, we have Golden Girl. Clad in a pair of princess jammies and what appears to be a cape. Golden Girl is a Freestyle fighter. She stands 3-feet-1-inch tall, weighing in at 26 pounds. She holds a professional mixed martial arts record of 20 wins and 2 losses, with 10 wins by whining. She is the current, reigning, and defending Insomnia Champion...". Fighting out of San Francisco, California: Emmeline..."GOLDEN GIRL!"
Annnnnnd in the paisley corner is Mommy Dearest! Clad in an old Holy Cross t-shirt and yoga pants, 5-foot-6-inches tall and weighing in at ... did she just flip us off? Is that allowed? Mommy Dearest says she needs a good 10 hours of sleep a night to function in society. Lately she is only getting two and is causing her to get all Jekyll and Hidey. Tonight's competition is to settle the sleeping score and to see who comes out Reigning Champion of the Mattress.
It's 2 am. Let's Get Ready To Rumble!!! Ding, Ding, Ding!
Lewis: Mommy Dearest is not at all focused. This will not bode well for her entrance into tonight’s competition. She is curled in a ball and can't find her glasses. Golden Girl makes the first strike "MOMMY! Get me outta my kib!" Mommy Dearest groans. Oh, that one had to hurt. Mommy rolls over and places a pillow over her head.
Golden Girl clearly has the upper hand in this bout. She is lucid, having napped earlier in the day. She also secretly ate a fistful of pop rock candy that she stole from her big sister. She's small and wily. She has kept Mommy Dearest in a fugue of sleep deprivation which makes MD weak and shaky.
Tyson: Yeah, dat was wike me when I got dis face tattoo. Sweep depwivation sucks. Makes ya all cwazy.
Lewis: Golden Girl is getting ready for her next attack. She crawls out of her crib and stealthy walks down the hallway. She crawls along the floor next to Mommy Dearest's bed. Mommy is still reeling from the last sneak attack. Golden Girl crawls up on the side of the bed. Getting leverage on Ethan Allen frame she leans in for the finishing touch ~ She opens her mouth open wide next to Mommy Dearest's unsuspecting eardrum: “Mommy! Me are wake and not in my KIB!”
Mommy Dearest springs into action. Finally. We were wondering when she was going to show up to this match. Without a word she scoops Golden Girl up and takes her down the hall. Golden fights back, a swift kick, windmill punches, a head-butt and an attempted eye poke. Golden Girl fights dirty. But Mommy Dearest is unfazed – This isn’t her first appearance at this rodeo. Golden is deposited back into her bed without ceremony.
Score One for Mommy Dearest. That cool professionalism; that's what has kept Mommy going in this fight. But Golden Girl has youth on her side. And a tiara.
This second half will be interesting. A very loud snore emanates from Mommy Dearests corner. That must be her coach, Animal Husbandry. Husband; deep in slumber, unaware of the nightly battle waged in their boxing ring.
Moderator: Lennox, are you surprised that Mommy Dearest is this effective at her age? You know she’s pushing 40 and still virtually unbeatable?
Lennox Lewis: Yes. She’s got a good diet and she’s still got a lot of drive in her to continue, which is great. I’ve passed my prime in that sense, and I just want to do other things. My big show, as you know, was with you, Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson: Yeaw. Wemember when I bit your weg? Dat was high-warious.
Lewis: The bell sounds for the second round to begin. Mommy Dearest is starting to show signs of wear. She is back in her corner and whimpering a little bit. She is looking for some advice or maybe a surprise tag in from Animal Husbandry but he's giving her the shoulder.
Golden Girl is back on her feet. Mommy Dearest must be thinking to herself that it was a bad idea buying the "big girl kib" that Golden Girl wanted. She can just jump out at any time. She saunters down the hall, the swagger of youth coupled with a narcissistic streak that only a two-year-old can pull off. Golden Girl wants to end this contest right now. She uses a ladder made of pillows, bed and comforter to climb up and - wait a minute! She just propelled herself off the headboard smashes onto Mommy Dearest when she was down. Is that even legal? Have we crossed over into the WWE folks?
Mommy Dearest moves a pillow and hits it three times.
The round is over folks. Mommy Dearest has tapped out. Golden Girl continues her undisputed championship streak. She takes a victory bounce and then crawls into the covers. She gives Mommy Dearest a swift kick in the kidneys, just to further demonstrate her superiority and then saddles up to her like a monkey backpack. Mommy Dearest clings to 3/10ths of an inch of a king sized mattress but is far too exhausted to care.
Here is your winner, and STILL Insomnia Champion - Emmeline Golden Girl!
Tyson: Poow Mommy. She can't feew good about another woss. Dis makes it fwee weeks in a woah. Maybe Mommy Deawest can come over to my pwace for some Tyson wovin' to hewp wecover.
Lewis: (Laughing) Ah, that woke up Animal Husbandry. I'm pretty sure you have been rebuked Tyson.
Lewis: Mommy Dearest, how are you feeling after that crushing loss? Mommy Dearest? Mommy? Well folks, looks like Mommy Dearest is unconscious. Place your bets in Vegas for tomorrow night when Mommy Dearest takes on the tag team of Golden Girl and Princess Ponytail.
G'night everyone! For now…