Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

8.27.2012

Gynecology Gone Wild


The yearly trip to the gynecologist is a necessary evil.  Going to the gynecologist with two children in tow descends the entire experience to a whole new level of hell. 

Coupled with my lack of childcare options available to me, was my sleep deprived insanity logic into deciding to bring them along:


It's a 5 minute appointment.  How bad could it be, really?  I'll just set them up with something to watch on my phone.  They won't even notice what's going on.  Oooh!  Look!  There's a bird in my yard!  Did I flip the laundry yet?  I like chocolate. 

So, the girls and I walk in to the appointment, armed with iPhones, toys and enough snacks to feed Latvia and Lithuania.  The nurse took care of the preliminaries and the girls were immersed in some show about giant squid.  She hands me my pink paper nightmare to put on - open in the front for optimal awkward.  I quietly disrobe and am not even on the table before the doctor walks in.  I count my blessings that she is so fast in arriving in the room because I am staring at a Molotov cocktail sitting next to a flame thrower.  I am positive the swath of destruction left behind us in the waiting room had nothing to do with the expediting of my appointment.  

The first 37 seconds went smoothly.  I am sending "pay no attention to the woman beneath the paper curtain" subliminal messages to my kids.  I think I am almost home free. I am a foolish, foolish woman. 

Lena: "Mommy!  Why is she poking you in the pee pee?"

Emmeline: "Hey! Stweaker!  You nakey! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

Lena: "Mommy.  Seriously.  She is STABBING YOU IN THE PEE PEE.  Do I have to do that at my back to school doctor’s appointment?"

The gynecologist speeds up the exam as I flounder through an explanation that this is an appointment to make sure I am around for many, many more years of abject humiliation from my children.  

Emmeline decides it is the perfect time for a cabaret. "You is nakey awound!  Mommy - Mommy is nakey!"  However, the audience of three is not quite the draw she is looking for.  So she opens up the door to the exam room and yells down the hallway. "Nakey!  Nakey!  My mommy is poked in da bunners!"  

AND I CAN'T GET UP TO CLOSE THE DOOR BECAUSE THE DOCTOR’S ARM IS SO FAR UP MY HOO-HA THAT SHE MAY BE CHECKING MY TONSILS.
 
Lena: "Is her whole arm in your pee pee?"

Emmeline: "Awm in da pee pee! My mommy is nakey and stweaking with her bunners!"   

Lena: "Mommy, you might want to know that Emmeline is running down the hallway."

Is it possible to die of embarrassment? Because I'm pretty sure I came close.   The doctor quickly finishes and I run down to the lobby, "nakey" except for my paper shift.  Emmeline ran right to a brand new young dad in the waiting room.  I grab my toddler with the one hand that is not holding together my only source of vestment. I look him right in the eye and say: "Congratulations on your new baby.  Parenthood is awesome."  

Then with my pink paper gown flapping in the wind, I head back to the room to gather what little is left of my dignity.  Which is less than the material clutched between my fingers.  

Here's the picture from when I was a guest blogger on Rants From Mommyland!  Eek!


63 comments:

  1. I am dying. Dying! There were so many delicious pieces of hilarity, but the part where you congratulated the new dad on his baby was the best. I bet the poor guy is on Prozac now.

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    1. That poor young bastard is probably researching vasectomies as we speak! Thanks for reading and the RT Kenja!

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  2. Ok, my pee in the pants moment for today-too funny!

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    1. Paper dresses - all the rage and much easier clean up... Thanks so much for reading!

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  3. Oh my god you are the funnies person on the planet! I will share with you my birth story of my 2nd to try and cheer you up. She was induced they thought it did't work so I went home..raced back they thought I was crazy she was born seriously 2 minutes after I got into the hospital with the door wide open and one of the fathers I regularly see in the grocery store walking by as she crowned and the nurses scrambled around wildly to catch her as they had not expected it.

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    1. By that point in my pregnancy I would have been happy for the janitor to get my kids out. At least you had a quick labor! And now you can wink at the dad in the grocery store. Because you had that special moment. And by "special" I mean naked. :)

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  4. OH MY GAUD! I'm hysterical-cant.stop.laughing! My daughter is looking at me like I am crazy. You have awesome luck with doctors, huh? I am still dying about this and I think I love your daughters as much as I love you!! Thanks for the friendly reminder I need to make my appt for my yearly and to discuss baby #2. I have taken this mental note to leave my child with a sitter that day!

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    1. I keep telling you to do it now! That way they can embarrass you as a team - double the schemes! xo

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  5. HAHAHAHA! Oh my god. I am DYING.

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    1. Thanks for reading! And, learn from my hideous...

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  6. Omg!!! Horrible yet SO funny!!!

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    1. Thankfully I can laugh at this now. Because earlier I just wanted to wrap myself up like a deli sandwich in that butcher paper they roll out on the exam table and pray that someone tossed me with the garbage!

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  7. Bahahahaha! OMG! As if that doctor visit wasn't already bad enough...

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  8. Yeah, Gyn appt & kids don't mix. I tried it myself once when my daughter was a toddler, and I vowed never again. NEVER again.

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    1. Trust me - I shall never repeat that experience! Thanks so much for reading!

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  9. F-ing FUNNY! OH my! Your girls are the best! Great blog! I love it!

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  10. Outliermom8/27/2012

    Omg! My doctor encourages her patients to bring the little ones in until we feel "it's not a good idea". I think I just found the line!

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    1. Yup. I believe the tubal ligation brochures she handed me on the way out may be a sign. Thanks so much for reading!!!

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  11. Very funny! I made the bad idea to bring my 6 mo to a dentist apt. Mouth not nearly as bad as pee pee! Your daughters sound like a lot of fun!! Laughing w/ you, of course - thanks for sharing.

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    1. Kids + any important appointment = catastrophic consequences (at least in my house). Thanks so much for reading!

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  12. Mamaintheburbs8/27/2012

    Just found your blog through twitter and I'm laughing so hard. Thank you! You are very brave to bring the kids to the gyno. I need to read more of your blog to get a better understanding of your family but you at least hooked me into reading. Thanks for the enjoyment!

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    1. Thank you so much for checking my blog out! I truly hope you enjoy it!

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  13. Oh, dear lord... You is nakey!

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    1. And without the encouragement of Jose Cuervo! Which is just plain wrong.

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  14. "Awm in da pee pee!" OMG I'm cracking up! This blog is hilarious, which is one of the reasons I'm nominating you for the Liebster Award!
    http://nicolekester.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-liebster-awards.html#more

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    1. Aw! Thanks so much!!! xo

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  15. Okay, I almost wet myself while reading this! Your girls are too cute and your portrayal of them is HILARIOUS! I lived in Montana for a while and had no one to watch my kids when we first got there, so I can definitely relate to this--thanks for the laughs! I'm happy to be your newest follower from Bloggy Moms!

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    1. I'm so glad to have you! I'll be hopping over to your site sometime soon as well! Thanks so much for reading!

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  16. Oh my gosh I am so glad you didn't die of embarrassment 'cause I'm looking to read tons and tons more...

    Aloha,
    Following ya now from bloggy moms. If you're up for a bit of a ride I'd love it if you'd bring your funny self over to localsugarhawaii.com and join me for the crazy ride.

    xo,
    Nicole
    localsugarhawaii.com

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    1. Well, yes, I believe Hawaii is on my itinerary! I look forward to checking out your end of the globe! Thanks for reading!

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  17. Hilarious post! Loved it. So glad I found your blog. You confirmed my fears of even thinking of attempting the bring the kids to for a female exam. Sorry you had to go through the embarrassment and humiliation, though.

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    1. Don't. Do. It. Learn from my horrible example! ;) Thanks so much for reading!

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  18. OMG...
    What an experience, I can't imagine.
    "Congratulations on your new baby. Parenthood is awesome." That was the best !!!

    Applauding you from www.craftyspices.com

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by! I'm heading over to see you now!

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  19. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I am laughing so hard- trying not to pee my mom jeans. Also trying to pretend I'm not due for my annual pap, and thanking my lucky stars that my daughter cannot speak or run yet. This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. I'm laughing with you not at you, I swear! :)

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    1. If we can't laugh at ourselves...well...at least we can laugh at the idiocy of others! Thanks so much for reading!

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  20. Note to self: Kids and Gynos don't mix. :)

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    1. Ni una jota... ;) Thanks for reading!

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  21. I am so terribly sorry I wasn't there. Next time you go can you send out "save the date" cards?

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    1. Bahahahahaha! Yes. Yes I can.

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  22. This is why I don't go to THOSE appointments ! Too, too funny and just a little embarrassing.

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  23. Oh m goodness, I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my face.

    I was just thinking of taking my 2 with me for my appt.... Thank you for saving me from probably a similar situation -- I'm finding a sitter.

    So glad I stopped in from SITS -- following you now!

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  24. Hilarious!!! Still laughing. I can't even begin to imagine. Glad you survived. Embarrassing experience, wonderful story. Visiting from finding the funny link up...now following.

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  25. Funny? Hilarious? These words do not do this post justice. The best was the comment (warning) to the new dad. Or maybe it was your daughter's comment about the Gyn having her whole arm up your pee pee. Or maybe ...

    BTW, did the doc have a serious discussion with you about birth control?? Ellen

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    1. Does the fact that she was chasing after me with tubal ligation brochures count?

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  26. Oh my gosh! Love it. I can't believe they even allowed the kids in for the pelvic exam. Surely they could have spared one of the ladies behind the desk to watch them for 5 minutes.

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  27. I had an ultrasound scheduled (prior to my hysterectomy.) I thought it would be abdominal so I brought my 5 yr old daughter with me. NO ABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND FOR ME!! My little one whispered the entire time, "why did you have to take your pannies off? what is she stickin in your hynie? does it hurt? i don't want to do that. mama are you laughin? are you cryin? what's wrong? does it hurt? what is that thing?" I wanted to scream SHUT UP before I busted out laughing and peed on myself (and theultrasound tech!)

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  28. Ohmygoodnessgracious, this is hilarious! First of all, I'm ALWAYS afraid the doctor is going to come in before I've gotten on the table. Ack! Your daughters' comments are so funny. Sharing this on the "Finding the Funny" Pinterest page!

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  29. Hilarious! And I thought the advertisement for Medical Stirrup Covers next to your blog was a nice touch. :)

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  30. OMG - I just peed my pee pee. This was awesome!!!

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  31. Anonymous1/23/2013

    Trace- Ermergerd . Stabbed in the pee pee.

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  32. This is not coffee drinking reading. Oh my God I am just spit the coffee all over my screen.

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  33. Megan M.3/23/2013

    Out of curiosity through the giggle fits over "stweakers" and "bunners"... what are the "bunners" your daughter is referring to?

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    1. "Bunners" are what we call rear ends in this house. :)

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  34. Hahaha! I had to bring my twins to the gyno last year! I wrote a piece I'm going to submit somewhere about it because these experiences are just too good! I found you through the blog party (though I think I've seen you elsewhere) and am following you through GFC now! Hope you'll stop by my page. I think it's right up your alley... http://www.parentwin.com/2013/04/ultimate-blog-party-2013.html

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  35. Ok every freaking time I read this I snort something out my nose! You seriously need a handler for those 2!
    Thanks for hooking up at the Hump Day Hook Up.

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  36. Oh, my, I can't believe they let kids in the room with you like that. I used to have to take my sons, but the receptionist or assistant always offered to keep them out in reception for me. Maybe it is because I had boys?

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  37. OMG!!!! That is so good! And with dignity you pulled your paper wrapper together to wish the new father good luck. Now, that is a MOMMA!!!! LOL!! He probably now owns stock in Trojan:)

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  38. Anonymous5/03/2013

    As a nurse who sees this stuff EVERY.Freaking.Day. We hate you. Kidding...but no...seriously bringing a kid for your pap is SO hard...not just on YOU...but us as we are constantly trying to keep them outside the curtain and seeing things that they really don't need to see...all while handing the Dr what they need...yeah, no fun for us either. :0 But your recount was hysterical.

    Play Possum

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  39. Anonymous5/03/2013

    And...for everyone saying that one of the staff members should be able to watch them for five minutes...uh no.
    Where I work..I AM the lady behind the desk and also a NURSE. I love kids, I really do...but if I wanted to work as a daycare provider I would. Sorry but I have OTHER patients too. I can't watch little tommy or sally not EVEN for 5 minutes. by the way when was the last time a pelvic took 5min? and WHERE because I need to go work there.

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  40. hilarious! and to answer her question, "is her whole arm in your peepee?" yes. yes it is.

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