30 Minutes With Kids vs. 30 Minutes Without Kids

On Sunday morning I woke up before my family.  I snuck down the stairs to enjoy a few rare moments of solitude.  I brewed a pot of coffee and was all set to sit on the porch and enjoy the early morning.  I opened the refrigerator to add the milk to my coffee.  Are you serious?  No milk. No half and half.  Nothing to put in my coffee. That is just plain wrong. 

Ok, it's 6:30.  I slip into my vehicle and head off to the grocery store. I stop off to grab a coffee en route to help shake off my fugue.  When at the store I decide to pick up a few extras to make a nice breakfast for my people: bagels, eggs, bacon.  I also hit the ATM and get some gas.  By the time I get back to my house it's 7:00. 

Fast forward 30 hours.  At noon we have lunch and start to get ready for swim lessons.  And by "have lunch" I mean trying to force feed my children who are hungry, grouchy because they are hungry, yet refuse to eat.    There's begging, pleading, threats of puking, promises of dying because they are SO FULL. Not to mention the crying, swearing, threats of running away from home (oh, wait, that was me.). 

12:30: C'mon ladies!  We have swim lessons in half an hour.  We need to get going so we're not late! I'm going to pack the swim bag. Here's your suit, Lena.  Please put it on and get your shoes on.
 
12:35: Girls, you need to put on your bathing suits.  Please do so.

12:36: Why are you just sitting there?  We have to get going!  You are going to be late!

12:40:  Emmeline!  Why did you take your bathing suit off???? I just put it on you! We have to leave!

12:43:  Lena!  YOU ARE GOING TO MISS YOUR SWIM LESSON! Stop crying and put on your bathing suit!

12:45:  You turned the TV on????  WE. HAVE. TO. GO!

12:47: (Both girls crying) Where are your shoes?  What do you mean you don't have any?  You have 50 zillion pairs of shoes!!!

12:48:  Emmeline is melting down because she forgot her "yammy."  I run back into the house, cursing in Spanish to try to find a tiny stuffed lamb. 

12:50: Somehow both girls are getting into the car.

12:51: Emmeline. Get in your seat!  I don't want to have to force you into it!  No, it's not time to "swide!" We are going to be late! Lena!  Why are you in the back of the car????  Get in your seat and get buckled!

12:52: (Trying not to freak the freak out) - GET IN YOUR SEATS!  I will leave and then you will be arrested by the police officer for breaking the law!  (Wrestling Emmeline in her seat and trying to buckle flailing arms and legs, getting kicked and whacked, all in the name of swim lessons).

12:53:  I'm backing up!  Lena, stop crying about going to jail and buckle your seat belt!!!!!! 

12:55-12:59: Tiny blonde girls arguing about God-only-knows-what.  I can't pay attention because I'm trying to get to the swim lesson without breaking any laws.

1:00:  I pull into the parking lot and jump out with the car barely turned off.

1:01: YOU TOOK OFF YOUR SHOES?  We were in the car for 5 minutes!!! Where are they?  What do you mean "Me don't know?"  Ok, here's a flip flop and a rain boot??? Forget it, I'll just carry you.

1:02: Running down the stairs to the pool.  We arrive.  Disheveled.  In non-matching shoes and random bikini pieces. But almost on time.   I'm running behind Lena spraying her with sunblock as she darts off toward the shallow end.  I have no idea if any of it actually reached her skin. 

1:03: Now I have a half hour to get my pulse back down to "normal" before I have to try to get them back into the car.  Emmeline! Stop running!  You can slip and fall and crack open your skull!  No!  You can't jump into the deep end.  You don't know how to swim!!!!

It's really amazing what you can accomplish in 30 minutes without kids.  And people who don't have kids ask what do we do all day long with all our free time...