Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)


What Is That Delicious Perfume You Are Pouring Directly Into Your Eyes?

It's time for me to buy a new perfume. Back when I had no kids and disposable income, I always had several scents: one for the summer and another for the cooler months.  Over time I have used them up and not replenished them. And, in the sweaty summer months an extra bit of camouflage helps. It's time to find a new signature scent. 

I'm not sure what I want though. I can't really walk around sniffing the necks of strangers. For some reason, people frown upon this practice. I tried the whole department store route but after being chased down by the psychotic Passion pusher I am gun shy to repeat this experience. I had Elizabeth Taylor nightmares for a month. So, I am checking out some perfume campaigns to see what look I'm trying to embody. 

I love the ad campaigns for Chanel No. 5! I mean, how amazing and seductive does Nicole Kidman look?  However, as gorgeous as these Chanel women are - apparently even more so when they splash on Chanel - to me the perfume smells like old lady.

Does Bulgari's scent attract wild animals?  
Or does it make you smell like a zoo?  
Either way. Not for me. 

Lola by Mark Jacobs ~ Does the fact that I have two kids stand in the way of my deflowering? 

Dahlia Noir by Givenchy
I'd need to work on my angry dominatrix look for this one.

I'm not sure I have that kind of time.

Or a big enough cape.

Lucky You - Not if you have to look at a tattoo on my fupa. 
After two kids, my stomach tattoo would look less like a heart 
and more like a manatee.

Opium by YSL makes you want to roll naked on a fur rug?  
Well, except for the high heels.  
Which, I'm all about.  
Except, this looks like a lot of shaving.  
Which means I'd have to be able to take more than a 37 second shower.  
I guess this one is out.

Jil Sander perfume smells so fabulous
people just want to pour it directly on their genitals?

Forget the fact that pouring alcohol based products any where near your lady parts is going to cause searing pain! 

Because, it is better to smell good then to feel good.

Apparently with all high end perfume you pour it directly on your genitals and into your eyes.  

Did I miss perfuming 101?  
I bet these daredevils dry off next to an open flame too.  

Just thinking about the mess I'd have to pick up 
after applying Tom Ford's perfume 
makes me tired. 

Alexander McQueen's Kingdom 
makes you want to have a lesbian orgy?    

I don't know.  This is way too much pressure.  Do I want to tattoo my stretch marks (maybe a tiger since the stripes are already there)?  Or, have floral scented eyeballs? I guess I'll just ask the woman at the gym who blow dries her genitals.  She is secure enough in her womanhood to show it off to everyone while keeping it finely coiffed and probably spraying it with something expensive.  She clearly has taken perfume and lady-scaping 101, unlike me.  And, anyone that secure in themselves must be ready to share their scent with the world.  

Because I just can't commit to an entire bottle of orgy. 


  1. That Tom Ford stuff must be pretty cheap if they can afford to splash one another with it. I am strictly a Bath and Body Works Bitch and I use it VERY sparingly. Lock and key, baby. No kids allowed to 'borrow' mom's stuff.

  2. That Jil Sanders stuff looks more like a dildo add... just saying

  3. These trashy ass ads makes me almost reminiscent for that ex'cla-ma'tion "perfume" that I used to wear in like 6th grade...please tell me that you remember the bottle..."Make a statement without saying a word." At least no one was trying to ride the bottle in their ads ;)

    1. Yeah, it's come a long way since Love's Baby Soft, no?

  4. I don't know where I have been but I have not seen these ads. Wow, pretty racy stuff for my old lady Channel heart!! Thanks for a great post, great idea!!!

    1. Thanks Kathy! Just pick up any Cosmo, Glamour, too can figure out your next persona!


  6. Tracy,
    This is hysterical! Am I the only one though who finds the JIl Sander ad particularly disturbing for not showing faces and only objectifying body parts. #notbuyingit.

    1. Nope, Estelle. Hence the reason I chose it for this silly post. Ridiculous!

  7. You can totally do dominatrix and rock it. And who are douche canoes advertising to? BEcause it's certainly not women.

    1. Yeah, I will need to get a cape though.

  8. Oh perfume. Why you gotta take yourself so seriously? These are hilarious. I'm a fan of scented lotion. Less likely to burn the nostrils of innocent bystanders.

    1. And probably sooooo much less expensive!

  9. I haven't bought a new perfume (excluding that spray sold in the check-out line at Victoria's Secret) in FOR-EV-ER! I will be steering clear of the ones that make me smell like a zoo or someone's vag, though. (On a serious note: Coach Poppy is fabulous! When I get paid for donating that fourteen pints of blood, I'm so buying it)

  10. Ah, had my laugh for the day now. Hilarious and reminds me of my fragrance visual merchandising days! Did you ever buy anything? I must admit, I am the one that hunts out fragrances that smell like nothing ... not too sweet, heavy, citrusy etc. :-)


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