What Is That Delicious Perfume You Are Pouring Directly Into Your Eyes?

It's time for me to buy a new perfume.  I have been totally out for some time now.  Back when I had no kids and disposable income, I always had several scents: one for the summer and another for the cooler months.  Over time I have used them up and not replenished them. And, in the sweaty summer months an extra bit of camouflage helps.  It's time to find a new signature scent. 

I'm not sure what I want though.  I can't really walk around sniffing the necks of strangers. For some reason, people frown upon this practice. I tried the whole department store route but after being chased down by the psychotic Passion pusher I am gun shy to repeat this experience. I had Elizabeth Taylor nightmares for a month.   So, I am checking out some perfume campaigns to see what look I'm trying to embody. 



I love the ad campaign for Chanel No. 5!  I mean, how amazing and seductive does Nicole Kidman look?  However, as gorgeous as these Chanel women are - apparently even more so when they splash on Chanel - to me the perfume smells like old lady.

   

Wait.  Does Bulgari's scent attract wild animals?  Or does it make you smell like a zoo?  Either way. Not for me. 




Lola by Mark Jacobs ~ Does the fact that I have two kids stand in the way of my deflowering? 

I'd need to work on my angry dominatrix look for this one.  I'm not sure I have that kind of time. Or a big enough cape.

After two kids, my stomach tattoo would look less like a heart and more like a manatee.

Opium by YSL makes you want to roll naked on a fur rug?  Well, except for the high heels.  Which, I'm all about.  Except, this looks like a lot of shaving.  However, this means I'd have to be able to take more than a 37 second shower.  I guess this one is out.

Jil Sander perfume smells so fabulous that people just want to pour it directly on their genitals?  Forget the fact that pouring alcohol based products any where near your lady parts is going to cause searing pain!   Because, it is better to smell good then to feel good.

Apparently with all high end perfume you pour it directly on your genitals and into your eyes.  Did I miss perfuming 101?  I bet these daredevils dry off next to an open flame too.  Just thinking about the mess I'd have to pick up after applying Tom Ford's perfume makes me tired. 

Alexander McQueen's Kingdom makes you want to have a lesbian orgy?    

I don't know.  This is way too much pressure.  Do I want to tattoo my stretch marks (maybe a tiger since the stripes are already there)?  Or, have floral scented eyeballs?

 I guess I'll just ask the woman at the gym who blow dries her genitals.  She is secure enough in her womanhood to show it off to everyone while keeping it finely coiffed and probably spraying it with something expensive.  She clearly has taken perfume and ladyscaping 101, unlike me.  And, anyone that secure in themselves must be ready to share their scent with the world.  Because I just can't commit to an entire bottle of orgy.