Here are some of the questionable decisions observed poolside at our club yesterday:
1. The rubinesque woman wearing a teeny tiny bikini. It was a lovely plaid number topped off by a giant scarf. Because nothing screams IT'S 103 DEGREES OUTSIDE! like a scarf around the neck. You certainly wouldn't want to get a cold clavicle at the pool. Good thinking Frosty!
2. Copious amounts of jewelry. I'm talking the Mr. T starter kit. Doesn't it get hot? Don't you get weird tan lines? Don't you get annoyed with everyone mistaking you for the female Flava Flav?
3. The woman wearing the monokini with the buckle straining to connect the top of the suit to the bottom. Aren't you afraid it may spring loose? The small buckle over your belly button does not hide your muffin top runneth over. And over. And over. And again, awkward tan lines?
4. The woman wearing the hat with a hole in the top of it - to perhaps tan her cowlick? The gigantic rubbery cover up that may also double as a burqa/wet suit. Or maybe it's a new fashion yet to catch on - the burkini! Guaranteed to give you no tan lines whatsoever and doubles as a life raft in the event of being capsized!
5. This suit was actually seen donned by a woman lounging poolside. The owner did NOT look like Jenny McCarthy in it however. In fact, she looked more like Jim Carrey. Just because you can buy the same suits as the celebrities does not actually mean you should people...
5. The woman yelling very loudly to her friend in the cell phone. The conversation started like this: "Oh yeah! Let me tell you about my vagina!" I feel extra close to this stranger now that I am all kinds of knowledgeable about her inner workings.
6. Pleather? Really? At the pool? And no chafing?
Now, this suit was not at the pool - but I totally wish it was. It doubles as a flotation device AND shark deterrent. Awesomeness wrapped in spikes and topped off with a totally hot swim chapeau.