We went at 10 am, when it's generally less populated. My girls are pretty decently behaved as long as their mouths are stuffed full of some kind of grocery store "tweat". We snag the cart that has the giant plastic seat that holds both kids. The buckles are broken - but I don't have to worry about one filling the cart while I'm not looking and the other whining "It not faiw" that the other gets to walk and she has to be in the carriage. I shove an Odwalla smoothie (now in juice box form!) in their hands and take off to lovingly choose nutritious foods for our house.
The girls are trying to sweet talk me into cookies, cupcakes and any delicious dessert that crosses their line of vision. However, I am a vehicle of restraint. I am here on a healthy mission and I will not be swayed! Emmeline is warming up her vocal cords with some humming the theme to Super Why. I crack a little and give them powdered donuts - but it's just a tiny sleeve of them and on sale for $1.00. That should suffice!
I continue down the aisles, crossing things off the list and adding a few items here and there. The girls are starting to get ancy. But, we are only half way through the store. I toss a box of Scooby Snacks their way and push on. Oooh! An apple corer! I need one of these for the apple/peanut butter sandwiches that the girls like. Yes, we can bake muffins instead of buying them! Fun Mommy and girls project! Toss that in. Ok, we can get some of these. Dinosaur egg oatmeal? Yep, oatmeal is a good source of fiber for you. Hello! Who's got two thumbs and is healthy? This girl here!
Emmeline starts her musical set with a killer version of the ABC's. She skips right from Q-R-S to Y and Z! - but who really uses those annoying last few letters anyway? She then segues from "Next time won't you sin wif me!" right into "I kissed a girl and I yiked it!" Quite the train wreck of songs, but somehow she pulls it off.
Oh my goodness! Is that the biggest box of Lucky Charms ever??? I mean, the girls only eat the marshmallows - but with a box this size they can be in marshmallow nirvana for an entire week! Man - I love this store! My husband was right!
"I Sim Shady, Yes I da weal Shady so pwease stand up! Pwease stand up! Pwease stand up!"
Sale on a giant bottle of chocolate syrup! Score! My husband is going to be psyched about all these things being on sale! What a great deal! No, Emmeline, get back into the cart, please. Fine. You can pick out one thing of crescent rolls and use it as your microphone. Emmeline what did you throw into the cart? Ok, that's enough! No, we don't need 24 gallons of chocolate pudding.
Darting off, I follow the sound of "Now I ain't sayin' I a gowd digga" yelling her way down the frozen food aisle. It's like shopping with a Top 40 play list of singers - while getting a workout! Way better than the Celine Dion being piped through the stores speakers. I am now running through the aisles. I have to circle back a few times for items that I missed because I am unfamiliar with the layout of the store. Crap - Lena, grab some vitamins!
The carriage is full of healthy, yummy food and we are ready to go! Freakin' finally.
There are two cashiers available. And, inevitably I NEVER choose the right register to hit - so I of course get behind the woman trying to save $0.03 cents on a can of soup. She's got people running all around the store trying to find the price she thinks this one can is.
10 grueling minutes later they find the price. Or make it up to get her out. Either way - it's our turn. The girls are "hewping" and trying to talk me into buying them candy and disposable razors and cold sore lipstick while I unload the carriage. I somehow herd them into their seats, hand them whatever their snack of the minute was and get ready to pay. But, it's going to all be worth it because of the savings we are experiencing.
"Because your yuv, your yuv, your yuv is my dug."
The cashier very cheerfully tells me "$350.00 exactly". I stare at her. Open mouthed. And say "How much?" She responds "Can you believe it? $350.00 on the nose! You never see that!" You're right. I never see that. Ever.
My response was "Yeah. My husband is going to kill me. What the hell did we buy?"
$350? $350! I have NEVER spent even close to that at the grocery store. Ever. In my entire life. My heart is racing like I have just run 37 feet. (Does this mean I'm all set for cardio today?). I am contemplating grabbing the girls and running away. But that would mean I still have to go shopping because for some reason there is never a food fairy that shows up and wands my cupboards full of yummy treats. Dammit.
I am trying not to puke. I am weaving a tapestry of obscenity via text messages to my husband because I am freaking out. Why the f#@& did you want me to go here???????????
The cotton heads are staring at me. Lena refuses to get out of the carriage because I wouldn't buy her a disposable cell phone. Emmeline is singing "I pwetty good at dwinkin' beew!" I'd like to be "dwinkin' beew" but it's only 11 am. Plus, now that I have spent $350 at the grocery store, I will be probably forced to make "beew" out of left over barley and some of that weird grassy stuff on the side of the house.
In case you're wondering what $350 of groceries looks like - here it is:
Note to self: Stop trying new things. You suck at it. That is all.