Come On Down! You're the NEXT Contestant!

Good afternoon everyone!

  

Thanks so much for joining us for 

another rousing rendition of :

"What the Eff Is The Dog Eating NOW!?!"

The following item was just pulled from the Jaws of Death (aka: the Maltese) – 

Can you identify its remains?

Is it:

A: RuPaul’s Eyelashes?

B:  Whale Baleen?

C: The comb from a crack rooster?

D: No freakin’ clue – and I’m kind of scared to find out.

Tune in tomorrow and hear:

 “MOM! The Dog ate my (fill in the blank)! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

 To find out just

"What the Eff Is The Dog Eating NOW!?!"

Good night everyone and thanks for playing!

Dial 1 For Freakin Idiot, Oprima El 2 Para Bolsa de DOUCHE

Comcast. Wow. You fuckers.  When I was moving I investigated multiple options for cable, phone and internet service.  When I spoke with your company I was promised a triple play bundle package with all the bells and whistles for $109.99.  As part of the promotional package I was told that all fees associated with the installation were included in the package AND I was going to receive a $100 gift card.

The two gentlemen that arrived at my house for the installation were not only late but drilled holes in my hardwood floors instead of through the walls like EVERY OTHER CABLE AND/OR SATELLITE SERVICE I HAVE EVER RECEIVED IN THE PAST 30 OR SO YEARS.  And, the internet didn't work.  We'd log on, it would kick us off and then not allow us to get back on. 

We called back.  They said it was "fixed".  It was not.  Then they sent another two people out to fix the issue. These two then blamed the prior technicians for the problems because they shouldn't have done this and didn't do that.  They high-fived each other and then left.  On the way out they commented that they couldn't believe the holes in the floor that the people drilled.  That it was against protocol to drill through hardwoods.

It worked.  If we disconnected everything from the wall and waited for everything to reboot.  It worked for a few minutes and then we were all kicked off. 

Another several hours on the phone resulted in a third person coming to fix the issue.  He DID fix it, thankfully.

Then today, I receive the bill.  $312.93.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I was told $109.99 - all in.

So, I call to dispute the charges.  The first girl said that she could credit me half of the installation fee because of all the inconvenience associated with it. She then connected me to a supervisor regarding the holes in the floors.  After I re-explained the situation to "Ryan" the billing supervisor, he started to tell me about them sending someone to repair the holes in the floor.  And, then we got disconnected.

Re-called.  Went through the lengthy dog-and-pony show.  Got finally in touch with Vale who was trying to accommodate a less-than-happy me now that I have been on the phone for over an hour to remedy the situation.  After a round of go back and forths - he said he would credit the service charges and that he would next send me to a different department to get set up with the right package.  Mid sentence - we were disconnected.

MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm raging mad. I call back and begin my 2nd hour on the phone with your "support" team.  The "billing department supervisor", Jamie the Jackass, informs me that the best he can do is $50.  $50??? The first girl who answered the call could do better - and you're a "supervisor"???  I ask to speak to Vale again to wrap up our previous conversation.  J-Hole says he can't connect me because Mexico is very large.  Thank you very much for the geography lesson you fucktard.  Manager please, bolsa de DOUCHE.  Oh, apparently Mexico is SO BIG that he cannot "find" his manager.  But, Sr. Asshole takes my number so his manager can contact me in 24-48 hours.

His manager - who never calls me back.  Hmmmm - is that the policy Comcast?  Insult your customers and then lie to them? So, no $109.99 package.  No $100 gift card.  No free installation.  All things that were promised and not delivered.  Holy bait and switch.

Wow.  Really impressed with the service so far. Really.  Awesome.

I Get Around...Tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Exciting news lovelies!  I have officially been hired to write a weekly post for In The Powder Room with a group of really hilarious, kick ass writers! Here's my first week's submission.  It's all about an afternoon spent drinking with a bunch of friends and a very valuable lesson learned.  Please head over to the post and send me some comment love so I can thank you!!!!

Daytime Drinking and Vasectomies

Why Do We Have This Incessant Need For Validation?

The last day of school was always a race to see if you could get everyone to sign your yearbook before the bell rang and released you from scholastic prison.  People wrote silly, trite or fluffy things in your yearbook like "LYLAS!" or "Sup. Well no more school. Have a cool summer."  Most of the things written were forgotten along with a lot of the people who scribbled furiously to sign as many books as possible.

There are some you never forget - like the one from the wicked hot guy from Spanish class. Your friends and you spent hours dissecting his cryptic "See you over the summer or in Spanish IV" to see if there were any hidden proclamations of love.

One quote that is still with me 20 years later was from my friend Heather.  It said:

 "I wish I could be as happy as you are all the time. Even though people say you're obnoxious I think it's a great way to be."

People say I'm obnoxious???? Really?  Ouch.

So I have spent the last two decades trying to pay attention to how I am perceived - because perception is reality, right?   In college my friends would tell me that I'm unapproachable, intense or stand-offish when I would lament that everyone was getting hit on except for me.  In radio I was constantly asked by my bosses to "dumb myself down" or "appear nice" because of my "big vocabulary" or because I was making my co-hosts "look less intelligent".  Even now my husband tells me that I walk around looking like a bitch. 

The thing is, I don't feel like I walk around looking like I'm holier-than-thou.  I feel like I should emit friendliness and humor - like I'm a nice person!  I don't WANT people to think I'm obnoxious.  I want people to know that I'm smart and kind. That underneath this bitchy exterior is a funny, insecure person who just wants to be liked.  I am most certainly NOT a mean girl.  I will never be prom queen.  I will never be held on a pedestal and revered for my beauty, poise, grace or anything momentous.  But I don't want to be known as "You know that lady with the bitchy look on her face?  Oh, yeah.  That's Lena's mom." at the PTA meetings.

So, if I flash you a sneer, it's not personal.  I don't even realize I'm doing it.  More than likely I'm pensive trying to remember if I flipped the laundry, if I packed a lunch for my kids or a thousand other things that I was supposed to do today but can't remember because I have only two functioning brain cells left in my cerebellum.  

Or, maybe you just suck and I'm wearing it all over my face.  Obnoxious.  Sniff.