Momaical is a humorous look at trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Cursing & copious coffee involved.

Momaical: [mom-mahy-uh-kuhl] = (Hybrid of Mom and Maniacal.)

4.12.2014

Listen to Your Mother - San Francisco

Every once in a great while you are part of something spectacular. Something so special that you can't explain it adequately and you can't understand the emotion surrounding it until you're ensconced in it. And when you're in the middle of it - you can't even believe that they chose YOU to be involved. Well people, this is happening to me RIGHT FREAKIN NOW!

Listen to Your Mother performances began as a tribute to mothers around Mother's Day weekend. Over the past 5 years it has been gaining notoriety and adding cities to the roster - with this year total of 34 across the United States. Thousands of writers toss their hat into the ring with the hope that their piece is chosen for them to read. Only a few make it.


The writing world is relatively small and I "know" several women who participated last year. They raved about how empowering and amazing this experience was for them. So, I chose my favorite piece about parenting and was thrilled when asked to audition for a part in the San Francisco show. Over 100 talented writers tried out - 11 of us were asked to perform. I was mentally prepared for rejection; after all who knows what the producers were looking for with the show. But I felt good about my audition and was proud that I could cross this off my proverbial bucket list. A tedious week later I received the notice that I was chosen! (Cue the girlie screaming and jumping around and mentally shopping for just the right shoes for the occasion)

Last weekend we had our first rehearsal. All I can say is WOW. The emotion surging through the room was unbelievable. Lots of laughter, some tears and an abundance of admiration for my fellow cast members. They all have written powerful pieces that make you feel. We even have one brave Y chromosome among the rest of us ladies. 

Here I am, reading my smart ass piece. Shocker, I know. 
If you have an opportunity to attend one of these shows - do. For the record, it's not a tribute to vaginas everywhere. In fact, to my recollection the word "vagina" is not used once. Perhaps I should add it to my story or get on stage and yell VAGINA just to prove my husband right.

Or not.

Anyway - go. Be a part of something amazing. 

Here's the information for the San Francisco show I will be a part of on May 3rd at the Brava Theatre Center in SF's Mission District. It's at 7pm, tickets are $20 and part of the proceeds benefit Chicks in Crisis - a charity to help women in need. I hope to see you there! It truly will be a night to remember. Even if I don't sing Va-va-va-va-va-gina to the tune of La Bamba.... 


2014 San Francisco LTYM Cast Members

All pictures in this post were taken by the talented and gorgeous Kim Thompson Steel - Co-Producer/Director of the LTYM SF show. See more of her fantastic pictures here: 

3.03.2014

Tooth Fairy Highway Robbery

Parents, it’s time we get together for a little tête-à-tête. So often people come together in the world of blogging to offer sage advice, hope, commiseration, and laughter about the foibles of parenting. I think it’s time we all arrive at a consensus on one topic: The Tooth Fairy.



Years ago, your tooth fell out, you slept Princess and the Pea style on it and woke up to a shiny piece of silver under your pillow. Maybe two if your fairy was high falutin’ (or slightly inebriated). You cheered at your good fortune and put the tooth fairy booty in your anorexic piggy bank. I even recall a few scheisters trying to fool the fairy with a corn kernel just to increase their scant bank roll.

Lately this bitch has been totally stepping on Santa’s coat tails. Kids are getting upwards of $5 a TOOTH! Not to mention additional items such as letters, pictures, and gifts. Some fairies even puke glitter all over the place when they arrive – like the Tooth Fairy is showing up all hung over after a night of ripping it up with the Fae folk. What the HELL?!? People, children are putting a body part under their pillow in exchange for toys. And we’re not talking an organ you can hock on Craig’s List to pay for said requests. Expensive gifts for dead tiny calcified chompers so useless that your body jettisons 20 of them on its own accord because it knows how totally lame they are.
   
I am required to not only REMEMBER when the tooth fairy needs to make her grand appearance – which is challenge enough for this brain cell lacking exhausted mother. The bar has been raised so high that mere change will not satisfy the current market price. I have to keep up with the parents whose daughter got a picture, an itsy bitsy handwritten fairy letter, and a TOY holding the cash!  Plus the added expectation for me to spray the herpes of the craft world all over the bedroom so it will look as if I stopped off at the Foxy Lady for legs and eggs en route to work. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

In fact, I kind of feel like that bitch should be bringing ME something. I mean, I’m the one who forced them to brush these stupid ass teeth that just fall out. Talk about a twice daily battle. I dragged them back and forth to the dentist and even paid for a few fillings for teeth for them to just fall out?!? I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.


However, since it seems like TF isn’t going away any time soon, it’s time to come to an agreement about what the tooth fairy brings. Remember, this is around 20 teeth per child – so let’s not start the negotiation with a Fabergé egg or a trinket from Tiffany. I’m throwing out $5 for the first tooth lost, $1 for every tooth after that. What do you think is a fair price for an incisor?

2.20.2014

Operation: MILFin Ain't Easy - Lashes Edition

One of the *awesome* things about getting older is that my eyelashes are not as thick and gorgeous as they once were. The few that remain are hanging on for dear life and have to pick up the slack for the 98% of others that have abandoned ship.

I've tried Latisse and it does work. However, it's expensive, it makes the rims of my eyelids red and as soon as the eyelashes get to a certain length they all fall out around the same time.You have to start over again to get back to thick lashes. Plus, you have to keep using it. As soon as you take a break from it - your love affair is over and you're back to bald lids.

So, when a woman I know through the blogging community asked me to try a new product for eyelashes - I jumped on the opportunity! For the record, I received the product for free but am not being compensated for my opinion - everything I'm telling you is my personal experience with the product. 



The product is called YOUNIQUE. It's like a collagen injection to your eyelashes. You attach some 3D fibers to your lashes - and it plumps them up. It looks as good as when you have false lashes glued on at the salon but without the monthly commitment and expense of having the falsies attached.

So, basically what you do is put on your make up as per usual. Then comes the fun part. You put on your regular mascara - then you add a few swipes of these little fluffy fibers that stick to your eyelashes. They come in a tube just like mascara and you apply them the same way. When your lashes look ready - add a layer of the gel coating (also in a mascara like tube). Voila! GORGEOUS!

Here are my pathetic eyelashes before (oh, and I really suck at selfies - I couldn't seem to figure out how to look at the phone without crossing my eyes in this picture):


Here are my eyelashes all awesome-afied out with Younique:


And this is with only ONE coat of Younique. I could use a few more layers of the 3D fiber lashes and get all Katy Perry. BAM. Hotness.

I loved them! It took a few moments to get use to the heavy feeling of the fibers - but that went away pretty quickly. The thickness lasted all day long - and was easy to remove with a little mascara remover. They really boosted my lashes - fun, easy to apply and really affordable.

Try it out - I mean, $29 for a THREE MONTH SUPPLY!!!!! Plus, if you purchase it, Heather (the woman who hooked me up with Younique) will enter you into a drawing for a free eye shadow! What do you have to lose - besides wimpy eyelashes????


Here's what Younique has to say about their product:

Younique's mission is to uplift, empower, validate and ultimately help build the self-esteem of women around the world. Through high-quality products that encourage these core values - along with spiritual enlightenment - we're enabling opportunities for personal growth and financial reward to women everywhere.
All the products are hypoallergenic and made from 100% natural ingredients. The 3D Fiber Lashes are such a hit that 2000!! sets are sold PER DAY. People love them because they are a wonderful replacement to lash extensions and falsies, which are WAY more expensive. At $29 plus tax and shipping for a 3 month supply - there is no way this deal can be beat.

2.04.2014

Instagram Bullying Nightmare

A giant scandal broke out this week that involved many students at the high school where I teach.  A sophomore decided she was going to “do everyone a favor” and call out all the “sluts and hoes” that live in our area code. She set up an Instagram account as her platform for the public humiliation and began to call for people to provide pictures of the “hoes” and then tell the world about why these girls are sluts.




The site blew up and hundreds of highly inappropriate pictures were posted. Mostly or totally naked pictures of teenagers were plastered all over this page.  Thousands of followers jumped on board to see the pictures and comment within a few HOURS. Horrifically slanderous accusations were cast unto hundreds of girls that live in this area. THOUSANDS of comments like “she fucked all the guys from (our town and the next town over) and that she changes boyfriends more than she changes her own underwear. Her dad is a cop in town and when he finds out what she’s done he will be so happy.” (sic)

Complaints were made to Instagram and the site was eventually shut down – but not before massive damage was done. Unfortunately as soon as one of these sites was closed, three more popped up to continue with the verbal assaults and pictures finding more and more eyes. Teenage slang like “Bopps” (girls who give blow jobs) and “Thots” (another word for sluts) and “Ratched” (trashy) following our area code were used to keep the pictures circulating.

Some of my students were rightfully horrified by the entire event. However, I was absolutely heartbroken/disgusted to discover there were SO MANY teens think this is “hysterical” and that “if a girl is going to take pictures like that, she is a slut and that’s her fault for taking those pictures”. (And, boy did they get an earful from me). 

One of my students was victimized in this cyber assault. Here’s what she said happened: “The hoes site wrote a post about me that said ‘she sucks everyone’s dick and is a big ass hoe with greasy hair and cheated on her ex and gave 4 guys blow jobs while she had a boyfriend.’ None of this was true. They included a picture (fully clothed taken off her Facebook page) and said a bunch of totally inappropriate untrue crap about me. The accounts got shut down but that seriously made me feel unneeded and that no one cared how I felt.” 

The sites continued to pop up all week until finally the police were involved. Charges are being pressed for libel and unlawful distribution of pictures of minors against the creators of the sites – but not until after thousands of people saw the pictures and comments. If you are unaware of sites like Ask.fm, Snap Chat, Kik, Instagram – please educate yourself because you could literally save your child from being cyber assaulted. 

1.08.2014

2014 So Far Has Been Nothing But Cleaning

Happy New Year to you! I hope that 2014 has been off to an august start - although since the Polar Vortex has busted it's way into the country I'm sure you're freezing off your patootie.

I'd love to tell you that I've been neglecting my blog because I've been on a tropical island. Or finally putting the novel that's been rolling around in my brain for a while on paper. Or burning through batteries on my Kindle. But, that would be a lie. I've been Christmas-sing and post-Christmas-ing. Which is similar to preparation for an Apocalypse. I swear, I barely had a moment to breathe between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I still have yet to send a few gifts - but I'm totally blaming it on the post office. Damn Polar Vortex.

Lena is a full-fledged hoarder. I spent HOURS combing through her  room trying to jettison garbage and create some form of order to her belongings. 5 garbage bags later.....we are able to find her bed. At least for the next few days. With Emmeline, we are less concerned about hoarding - more worried about kleptomania. Mostly she takes Lena's "favorite" things (which is pretty much everything) and hides them in her room to piss off Lena.

All they have been doing is fighting: full fledged, fist flying, mortal combat. Which, as you can imagine, thrills me beyond a reasonable doubt. So there has been little time to relax, breathe and come to center. "Namas-take that off your head. We do not wear a broken plastic ball as a helmet. And where did you get that???"

Santa did not bring me ONE DAMN THING I asked for this year. Apparently I sucked. In case you missed what I asked for - here's the list on In the Powder Room. I even sang it. Everyone's a critic...


I'm trying to be a better person in 2014. Last year brought on a few too many occasions of binge eating due to inordinate amounts of stress. Healthier fare - more home cooked real meals. I feel badly because my kids always get a quick, thrown together meal. Nothing like the warm, full dinners my mom cooked for us. So this week I've been trying to cook all these delicious meals from scratch. And, they still only want to eat crap for dinner. Assholes.

My resolution this year is to be more tolerant of stupid idiots. However, it's not going well for me. 



I also decided to write a cheeky essay for In the Powder Room about why husbands simply cannot be replaced by dildos. However, if you are in any way, shape or form related to me -  you are not allowed to read it. Not because I wrote anything personal or inappropriate. But mostly because that's creepy. 


I head back to the real world in a few days. But until then I will continue to organize my house, cook food my family bitches about and try to find a few minutes to write something sort of humorous. Any ideas or volunteers to be my muse, please apply. 

Cheers! 


12.18.2013

A Christmas Carol

I think the reason they have all these Christmas carols is to coax us into believing that the holidays are a joyous occasion. Family gets together around a fire and opens a bounty of gifts. People are thankful for what they receive and celebrate the love they have for each other. Awwwww....isn't that SO Norman Rockwell?

Well, Norman Rockwell does not live in my house. My family does. Christmas is one giant bundle of stress. The kids are pumped for the holiday and act like heathens. Hours of time and ridiculous money spent purchasing presents - yet there's always tears about something not being fair and "I wanted that even though it's a baby toy and I have never ever thought of it".  Epic meltdowns by the over holidayed, exhausted, excited children. Not to mention stress about the visitors coming to stay with you, knowing that criticism looms like a weighted blanket about how you didn't get the perfect gift for a nephew or that your appetizer doesn't cut the muster. As a result of all this stress is stress eating. Which means Happy Holiday Love Handles. Which makes me stressed about seeing people while feeling like the Michelin man -  which makes me eat more. It's a vortex of hideous.

And the CLEANING. Oh, the cleaning. The tree makes a mess daily, the dust from the heat is everywhere - regardless of how frequently you Swiffer. The toy room doubles as the guest room where your in-laws will be sleeping. This means your typical solution of shoving everything in the closet and closing the door as quickly possible to prevent their escape is no longer a valid method of cleaning.

I tried to get an early start on tackling the Mt Everest of laundry that has grown to epic proportions. As I emptied out Emmeline's laundry basket to sort, the clothes were all wet. Eau d'Urine wafted from the pile of dirty size 3T clothing. I realize the clothes are SOAKED in pee.

"Emmeline! Why is your entire laundry basket full of pee???????"

"Oh, dat's because me are a kitty cat and it is me yitter box."

I kid you not, this is everything she peed on - finally no longer being used as cat "yitter"


For the love of all that is holy. Someone please save me....

Here's my Christmas Carol about the 9 Days Til Christmas - it's on In the Powder Room. Please go check it out and share my joy of the holiday season....



Happy Holidays.....hopefully your dog leaves you a special treat under the tree.....



12.14.2013

Elf on the Shelf - Your High Maintenance Guest

I have finally begun to see the light at the end of the pile of correcting - finals are next week. So last night began the joy of decorating the tree for Christmas. And the bottom 3' of the tree looks....shiny.  And very weighted down by every single ornament we own and even a few things that aren't traditionally considered ornaments. As I look on Pinterest and pretend that the stuff I pin would actually show up at our house - I see all these Elf on the Shelf overachievers.

Trash your house and blame it on the elf?

Switch all the clothing out of one closet and put it into another closet - Elf again.

Ate all the coconut chocolate dipped Oreos and blamed it on the elf? Fine, that was me.

Here's a more realistic look of my relationship with my Elf on the Shelf on In The Powder Room:


How about you? EOTS aficionado or Love/Hate Relationship?

If You Like This - Please Share It!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Weekly Contributor here

Read Me In The Powder Room!